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Oct 30, 2012
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Night Tunes
night sings quietly
a song virtually heard
the whoosh of clouds
rushing through a spooky spot of darkness
dew squishing out of the cool thin air
the clippity clop of a running bug
hushed, lush tones of private wonder
vibrate a sympathetic cerebral harp
and I am adjoined in the symphony
rhapsodizing till dawn
About This Poem
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
weirdelf
12 years 8 months ago
This really tickles me
Word choices like whoosh, spooky, squishing, clippity clop create a child-like air at first.
Then the rest is rich, deep verse, very adult. It's not a transition it's a dichotomy and it works well.
I rhapsodise with you. A gem of a piece. No crits, sorry.
judyanne
12 years 8 months ago
hi al
‘the whoosh of clouds
rushing through a spooky spot of darkness ‘
- awesome
just a couple of things
a song virtually heard’ – it’s not really virtual is it, as it is literally heard
maybe
‘a subliminal song heard’ (and maybe even lose 'heard'?)
'night sings quietly
a subliminal song '
‘and I am adjoined in the symphony’ – ‘adjoined’ wrong word I think
‘and I am joined in the symphony’
‘and I float within the symphony’
love the idea of
‘rhapsodizing till dawn’
wonderful word usage al
I enjoyed this
love judy
xxx