Nineteen Years

I don’t even know what death is.
I still wait for you to come home from work.
I sleep on the couch,
or the floor on your side of the bed
just to make sure I wake
when you finally come home.

Wearing all black,
tissue box in hand,
I walk to you and place a note
between the fingers of your pale hand
and kiss your cold cheek.

I am ten years old.
---
I remember the note I wrote to you.
All of our favorite things to do together.
How we would go to Caledonia
and get donuts on the way.
Camping trips to the backyard,
Finding sand dollars and shark teeth
on Fernandina shores,
making omelets with you
on your mornings before work.

I drew a picture of us together.
I can still see it in my head.

I wish you could’ve read it.
I hope you know what you meant,
mean
to me
I’ll love you, always

I am twenty-nine years old

About This Poem

Style/Type: Free verse

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - draft

About the Author

Region, Country: GA, U.S.

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Comments

neopoet

1 month 3 weeks ago

Neopoet AI (Premium) - version 3.0

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem addresses grief and loss through specific, concrete images and memories, which effectively ground the emotional content. The use of age as a framing device (ten years old and twenty-nine years old) clearly marks the passage of time and emphasizes the lasting impact of the loss. However, there are areas where the poem could be strengthened:

1. The transition between the first and second sections could be made clearer. The shift from immediate grief at age ten to reflection at age twenty-nine is abrupt. Consider adding a stanza or line to bridge these two sections more smoothly, providing readers with a clearer sense of how the speaker's understanding or experience of grief has evolved over time.

2. The imagery and specific references (Caledonia, Fernandina shores, donuts, omelets) are effective in creating intimacy and authenticity. However, the poem would benefit from deeper exploration of these images. Consider expanding slightly on one or two of these memories to illustrate their emotional significance more fully, rather than listing multiple memories in quick succession.

3. The language is straightforward and accessible, which suits the poem's emotional honesty. Still, some lines could be refined for greater poetic impact. For example, the line "I hope you know what you meant, mean to me" feels slightly awkward. Consider rephrasing or restructuring this line to clarify the emotional nuance and enhance readability.

4. The repetition of waiting (sleeping on the couch or floor) is poignant, but the poem could explore more explicitly how this waiting has influenced or shaped the speaker's emotional development or understanding of loss over the years.

Overall, the poem effectively conveys genuine emotion through concrete imagery and personal detail. Refining transitions, deepening the exploration of select memories, and sharpening language will further enhance its emotional resonance and clarity.

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