Blue-eyed Bolla

Jan 27, 2023 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

A Noble Truth

I suffered from that sylvan smile
she wore that day upon the stile,
within the forest’s golden glade
where we had sat to share the shade.

That day of first love’s tender kiss,
when I was blessed, but burnt by bliss,
I suffered - was her sweet caress,
and shape, so stunning in that dress!

I knew this girl would make me grieve,
one day, she'd up and take her leave,
to wander like the wayward wind.
As star-cross'd lovers we were twinned!

And in my deepest dreaming core,
her face, I knew, I’d see no more
within this vale of broken dreams.
Sin's soul-destroying, savage streams

would wash away, with heartless flood,
the lass whose love was in my blood.
But as the Buddha taught in youth:
‘To suffer is a noble truth!’

About This Poem

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Buxton, Derbyshire., GBR

Comments

Geezer

2 years 5 months ago

No matter...

how many times I have read this,
I have not been able to get past the first line of the third stanza
without stumbling. It probably wouldn't be so bad if the rest of the piece
wasn't so great with the rhyme and rhythm. It bounces right along before
and after, and I think that you could find a way to fix it to make this poem a
dandy! I can see it fixed like so:

"I knew this girl would make me grieve
one day, she'd up and take her leave."

Third line, second stanza- is it [was] or [with]?
Your title is alright, the language good, and the logic
flows well from beginning to end.
~ Geezer.
.
.

Blue-eyed Bolla

2 years 5 months ago

No matter

Many thanks, Geezer. I've applied your edit advice. It flows much better now. (What was I thinking?!)

Geezer

2 years 5 months ago

Glad...

I could help!
~ Geezer.
.

Lavender

2 years 5 months ago

A Noble Truth

Hi, there!
I think Geezer speaks "a noble truth!" :) The entire poem is spotless, but that line jars the flow and the rhythm. Your other poems prove that you will be able to remedy. I enjoyed this in every other way, and will return to read your response.
Thank you!
L

Blue-eyed Bolla

2 years 5 months ago

noble truth

Yeah, I applied Geezer's advised correction and it sounds and flows much better now. Many thanks guys!

Lavender

2 years 5 months ago

It's wonderful!

Flows much better - a beautiful poem, and Buddha reference.
L

Candlewitch

2 years 5 months ago

hello Blue-Eyed-Bolla,

may I address you as Blue, please? I have a problem with my hands is the reason (and the shift key)
I am enchanted by your poem. such emotions expressed with lovely language usage makes for great natural flow. my favorite lines are:

And in my deepest dreaming core,
her face, I knew, I’d see no more
within this vale of broken dreams.
Sin's soul-destroying, savage streams

would wash away, with heartless flood,
the lass whose love was in my blood.
But as the Buddha taught in youth:
‘To suffer is a noble truth!’

I love how the last line repeated reflects the title. you truly have a way with words.

*hugs, Cat

Blue-eyed Bolla

2 years 5 months ago

noble truth

Yeah, Blue is ok. Glad you like my poor little rhymes. Thank you for taking the time to read. I will take a peep at one of your compositions, if that's ok? Again, thank you for your kind comments and useful feedback.