THANKS

(Read More...)

Nose comes between kiss…

Let me tell you story it is quite funny,
There was a boy, who thought kissing on lips is difficult cuz nose comes between kiss,
Then one day he met a girl, fallen in love with her,
Girl said I love you, he said I love you too,
When girl tried to kiss him,
He stopped and started becoming silly,
Girl asked what’s wrong,
He told that when you do kiss on lips nose comes between kiss,
Girl started laughing and said wait and watch,
She grabbed his face and brought him close,
Then she kissed him on his lips,
At end she said no nose comes between kiss…
-Schrey

About This Poem

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: West midlands, GBR

Favorite Poets: My favorite poet is no one. I like Shakespeare because his poetry leaves some good message.

Comments

Michael Anthony

4 years 6 months ago

I Really liked the basic idea

I Really liked the basic idea of your poem Schrey. Some thoughts on the structure:

- Title: This worked for me. Or how about Noses, Kisses, and Her?
- Language Usage: Maybe consider adding words where they seem to be missing - example: Let me tell you "a" story "that is" quite funny. Or maybe reconsider using words which keep the reader at a distance - example: Replace "Girl" with She, and see how it reads. This makes it a much more intimate piece, and helps with the flow, at least for me.
- Rhythm, Pattern & Pacing: The rhythm, flow and pacing might be helped by breaking this up into separate stanzas
- Theme - Really liked the theme - early love, lust, or romance, with a bit of whimsy.
- Internal Logic: Spot on!

Thanks for sharing your writing Schrey!

Cheers