scribbler

Dec 07, 2014 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

NOT FOR EVERYBODY

Do not visit the lonely lands
no matter what the kind
be it a place of empty sands
or just that place within your mind.
.........I lose myself in lonely places.

Stay there in your town or city;
take your comfort from the crowd
and its sense of false security
which leaves you feeling safe and proud.
...........Leave me to walk the wooded traces.

There's no need to see the stars at night
they will just make you feel small,
let the city furnish all your light
and cast your shadow long and tall.
...........I'll watch the flocks pass by in braces.

Quietness remains best unheard,
white noise brings comfort to the ear,
to seek out silence is absurd.
Best embrace the babble here.
..........I'll listen to hound and hare races.

Stay safe within those sturdy walls.
Be content there in your town
Turn deaf ears when some wild place calls,
serenity will let you down.
..........While I find my soul in lonely places.

About This Poem

Style/Type: Structured: Western

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: South Carolina, United States, USA

Favorite Poets: Frost, Burns, Longfellow, Poe, and Johnson. I guess you've noticed these are all past masters. Other than folks on site I don't read any contemporary poets .

This user supports Neopoet so it can be free to all

Comments

judyanne

10 years 7 months ago

well, you will recognise my complaint of old scribbles

rhythm..... lack of... stanza 1 great, then this meter-maid got a headache reading stanzas 2 and 3.. so many verses that are too short... or a tad long

stanza 2 verses 1 and 2 – long, suggest drop ‘there’ and ‘’your’
stanza 2 verse 3- short.... suggest ‘rely on false security’
stanza 3 verses 1 and 2 – long, suggest drop the ‘ there’s’ and the ‘just’
stanza 3 verse 1 – long, suggest drop the ‘there’s ‘
stanza 3 verse 2 – really bad meter – off from the rest of the write .. suggest ‘they’ll make you feel too small’

then you got it back in stanzas 4 and 5....
but suggest you drop ‘all’ in stanza 4 verse 4

apart from that – i really really like the write
love judy
xxx

scribbler

10 years 7 months ago

Hi MM

So the only thing you don't like about the write is the way it is written lol? Well, you know me and you also know that I post raw stuff then keep going back to it over time with edits. Always easier to do when I have somebody who is willing to point out rhythm flaws which is one of the reasons I value your input. Way too often I write and force things to fit by use of artificial "poetic voice" which I don't even realize I'm using. I'll let this sit a few days and then read it again with fresh eyes and with your ideas in mind. Thanks for dropping by and not yet giving up on this old scribbler..........stan

scribbler

10 years 7 months ago

Dang!

This is what I get for posting when I have a migraine.........I completely left out 4th line of final stanza

China Blue

10 years 7 months ago

Stan

A bit different for you I like it a lot lol

hmm all of those lonely places are what makes life worthwhile
to many people get caught up in the everyday that they forget what peacefulness is like

scribbler

10 years 7 months ago

Hi Chrys

Everybody I think has a special place or places where they can retreat when their mind gets muddled by modern life. I expect there might even be those who seek out crowds to do so lol. Sorry for late reply. I was off line a few day due to forgetting Charter payment lol. Thanks for time to visit.........stan

brittle light

10 years 7 months ago

Hi, Stan

I especially like this piece of yours...the set up is neat ,,,
and you certainly argue your point well...I'll never go back to New York City again...unless....
I have a fool proof escape plan

scribbler

10 years 7 months ago

hello

Thank you. I Try to do things a bit different from time to time and am pleased you like this excursion. I have lived in Memphis and San Diego............I doubt you'll see me go back to either much less some place like N.Y. or D.C. ........stan

brittle light

10 years 7 months ago

Alid lives in Singapore....I

Alid lives in Singapore....I (AL) live in upper New York state

we do kind of look alike (not)
just goofin' on ya....If that was your biggest mistake of the day..you are way ahead of me!

scribbler

10 years 7 months ago

Crap

I see the programming automatically inserted Alid after I typed my greeting. To err is human, to really mess up requires computers lol. Now let me see if I can edit that..........stan

mand

10 years 7 months ago

Stan!

I absolutely love this one - I don't know if the structure and layout are of your design but I think It's great. ( I love to see out of the ordinary - to me it takes poetry up a notch ). To me the layout really makes your point stand out - because of the end contrasting line in each stanza! ( which in its own write is a poem ).

I think this is a well thought out, crafted poem - expertly delivered! ;)

Well done Stan - keep um coming!

Love Mand xxxxx

mand

10 years 7 months ago

Stan!

I think this is a well thought out, crafted poem - expertly delivered! ;)

Well done Stan - keep um coming!

Love Mand xxxxx

mand

10 years 7 months ago

Stan!

Sorry - duplicated!

scribbler

10 years 7 months ago

Hi Mandy

I have used this type scheme before but this is the first time I indented the last line of each stanza. Also those last lines were meant to be able to stand on their own as a poem within the poem. I'm pleased you enjoyed this and I appreciate your taking the time to read.........stan