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Not just another sunny day!
The ducks were gathering on the lawn,
children had come to play.
The cobbled streets and sun filled alleys,
welcomed the coming day.
A grayish mist, was arising,
the lake was cool and gleefully shinning.
The children felt that God was listening
His offering lent to their dismay.
Walking along the sandy shore,
with joy they fed them specs of bread.
Promises made by their fathers
left their hearts in disarray.
Their hopes and dreams all swept away.
Time swept by as if a tyrant
all that was left to do was pray.
A darkness rose up in the sky
an atomic age had found it's way,
back against the gray horizon.
The fires had returned on that day!
Their shadows burned into the sand.
There was no way to escape.
The genocide, it came so quickly
the fallout shelters all but empty.
No moments left to get away!
Pensively they sat and wondered
their gift was life, despite destruction,
with open minds they lined the streets.
Gutters filled with blood and chaos!
All in time peace would return,
beings from another world
grasped the reigns and took control.
They sterilized their precious daughters
forbidding them to replicate.
The end of man would eradicate
everything which they had lived for.
It wasn't just another sunny day!
About This Poem
Last Few Words: Nuclear holocaust, alien invasion, God's betrayal are all items which sit at my table. Deliberating what will be is always interesting to me.
Style/Type: Free verse
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How does this theme appeal to you?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: Please use care (this is a sensitive subject for me, do not critique harshly)
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
neopoet
3 months 3 weeks ago
Neopoet AI (premium) [2025-04]
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet’s AI:
This poem juxtaposes an idyllic, almost pastoral opening with a sudden, catastrophic turn toward apocalypse and existential despair. The initial stanzas establish a tranquil scene—ducks, children, sunlit alleys—using concrete imagery to evoke a sense of innocence and normalcy. The transition from this peaceful setting to the devastation of an "atomic age" is abrupt, which effectively mirrors the shock and incomprehensibility of disaster.
The poem’s structure is loosely organized, with lines of varying lengths and inconsistent punctuation. This lack of formal constraint may be intended to reflect the chaos that overtakes the narrative, but it also results in some syntactic confusion. For example, lines such as "the lake was cool and gleefully shinning" contain a typographical error ("shinning" instead of "shining") and awkward adverb placement. The phrase "fed them specs of bread" likely intends "specks" or "scraps," and "grasped the reigns" should be "reins." These errors detract from the poem’s overall impact and clarity.
Thematically, the poem attempts to grapple with innocence lost, the trauma of sudden violence, and the aftermath of human extinction. The escalation from local tragedy to cosmic intervention (beings from another world) is ambitious, but the poem does not fully develop these transitions, resulting in a narrative that feels rushed and, at times, disjointed. The reference to sterilization and the eradication of humanity introduces a dystopian element, but this is presented abruptly, without sufficient groundwork or emotional resonance.
The poem’s strongest moments are in the contrast between the ordinary and the catastrophic—the burning of shadows into sand, the emptiness of fallout shelters, and the image of gutters filled with blood. However, the poem relies heavily on exposition ("The genocide, it came so quickly") rather than evocative detail, which limits emotional engagement.
To strengthen the poem, consider focusing on specific images and moments, allowing the narrative to unfold more gradually. Attention to language precision and consistency in tone would also enhance the poem’s effectiveness. The ending circles back to the title, but the final line could be more impactful if it were earned through more sustained development of the poem’s central themes.
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Candlewitch
3 months 3 weeks ago
Dear Leslie,
Your poem is a passel of moods all crammed into single day. I feel you bring very valid issues to the forefront. Sometimes by the close of the day, we feel so damned vulnerable. Especially with the rotten state of affairs our country is in, politically and economically.
I try not to let these issues govern my down-time. I have bouts of insomnia that get triggered by these major problems. I usually have to meditate them away...for a spell!
I am having issues with navigation of the new Neopoet and trying hard to keep up. I hope to see you again soon. much love, Cat