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Jul 31, 2025
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Not so star crossed, but still lovers
Look at me
with those eyes
watch my tears
burn holes through my skin.
Grab at the bones
that are my waist,
pull this frail girl
towards your warmth
feel her kiss your face.
Listen for the praises
I whimper in your name.
I don’t believe in god
but for you i’ll pray
to cease
your pain.
The feeble girl I am,
the brittle bones you hold
the frangible fragments of my mind
you treat like gold.
The daughter of anger,
the son of anguish
the pain they each suffer
dissipates upon a passing glance,
upon a giddy chat
upon a tender kiss
upon your lips
upon a silent moment of bliss
upon your warm breath
down my neck
as I lay under you
and I am completely vulnerable.
I am in more ways you
than I am myself
with how much you make me feel.
Now back to that first kiss
I wallow as I reminisce
for this little broken lass
was put back together by gentle words
by a gorgeous face
with hazel eyes
that knot the final tie
and suddenly life isn’t so bad
suddenly i’m not so brittle,
not so scared
and not so little
and not so suddenly
I unfold
I unfold my ribs,
pluck out my spine,
twist and yank my femur
and the other bones of mine
and I build a wall
and, oh, I build it tall
and it towers over me
and over you
and you can’t see
the terrible people who
grasp at your skin
like it’s theirs to grab
like you’re not yours,
but theirs.
But I protect you
with my very being,
with more than my bones
and more worth seeing
because you,
[his name]
made me feel real again
made me feel sane
and seen
and now it’s been
the single best love
i’ll ever receive.
Dedicated doesn’t scrape
so much as the surface
of what I am for you
and what i’ll be,
of the sights we’ll see
of the fights we’ll spiel
of the nights we’ll flee
of the laughs we’ll share
with willow and marty
and the love will snare
on every corner of our home
because I know we’ll make it,
you’re all I need
I have a future
and it’s you i see.
So trust me when i say
‘i’ll never leave’
because being yours
is the best of me.
About This Poem
Last Few Words: This poem actually has a second part that’s twice as long but it goes into more personal details of our relationship which I don’t want online. But yeah, I wrote this for the boy I’m in-love with after only a month of knowing him, I fell THAT hard in only a month. You’d fall for him too.
Style/Type: Free verse
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Not actively editing
Comments
neopoet
1 month 4 weeks ago
Neopoet AI [2025-04]
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet’s AI:
This poem explores vulnerability, healing, and devotion through intimate and tactile imagery. The speaker’s journey from fragility to strength is conveyed with a raw emotional intensity that invites readers into a deeply personal experience. The use of physical metaphors—bones, ribs, spine—effectively grounds abstract feelings in the body, emphasizing the tangible impact of love and pain.
The progression from being “brittle” and “frangible” to building a protective wall suggests a complex interplay between openness and self-preservation. This tension enriches the narrative, though at times the shifts between vulnerability and defense could benefit from clearer transitions to maintain emotional coherence.
The poem’s rhythm is free-flowing, which suits the confessional tone, but some lines might gain from more deliberate pacing or varied sentence length to enhance emphasis and avoid occasional monotony. For example, the stanza listing shared experiences (“of the sights we’ll see / of the fights we’ll spiel…”) could be tightened or restructured for impact.
Certain phrases—such as “pluck out my spine” and “twist and yank my femur”—are striking but might jar readers due to their violent connotations. If the intent is to show the speaker’s active reconstruction of self, clarifying this transformation could deepen the metaphor’s resonance.
The dedication and naming of “willow and marty” adds a personal touch but might be more effective if contextualized or integrated more smoothly into the poem’s flow.
Overall, the poem’s heartfelt sincerity and vivid imagery create a compelling portrait of love’s power to heal and protect. Refining structural elements and balancing metaphorical intensity with clarity could elevate its emotional impact further.
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Words Ablaze
1 month 4 weeks ago
It's bloody long but it's…
It's bloody long but it's bloody worth the read. I enjoyed it immensely, felt the same feelings you put in the words. The theme is one I adore myself, love inspires me more than most things. The rhythm, the repetition, they really hammered the emotion in.
Candlewitch
1 month 4 weeks ago
Hello Zuella,
this s the second "love poem" I have read today, and it is excellent! I loved these lines:
The daughter of anger,
the son of anguish
the pain they each suffer
I am looking forward to reading your next installment of this poem!
fondly, Cat