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May 28, 2011
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Notes
I feel the movement
as souls embrace.
Notes play.
Chopin
Nocturne 17
Fingers gently grace tips;
eyes understand.
Tears and heart
glisten mid melody,
snowflakes compliment;
wishing
to believe again,
that love is made worth its risk.
About This Poem
Last Few Words: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FCbm22BjVMk&feature=related
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
Kailashana2
14 years 1 month ago
Hi Pamela... this is my
Hi Pamela... this is my favourite poetic genre....spiritual.
I feel the movement of souls
combined through touch.
(I feel the movement--
our souls embrace.)
[packs more power]
Notes play.
Chopin
Nocturne 17
Fingers gently grace tips;
eyes understand.
Tears and heart
glisten mid melody
and snowflakes,
(remove and)
and they compliment;
(remove and they)
wishing
to believe again,
that love is made worth its risk.
(that love is on separate line)
[I'd write that making love is worth its risk, this way the souls' embrace
has a double meaning]
~A
Pamela A. Lamppa
14 years 1 month ago
Thank you Anna
I will review these changes closely and will probably use them.
Last line, - I am smiling. had already made that change prior to reading your comment.
Let me ask you, I shortened this thinking it ended perfectly here.
but I had this prior to.
Is it worth trying to add or should I just leave it for an idea elsewhere?
"My smile joins yours
and kisses melt the music
for days passed,
for today,
and for days when notes play
tender surrender.
I look forward to your thoughts
~Pamela
Kailashana2
14 years 1 month ago
Many of my poems integrate
Many of my poems integrate music, spirituality and lovemaking, Chopin, (one needs a deft touch ;-) I think the cello is a sexual instrument and the oboe is human voice. ;-)
About the additional stanzas. Yum! I love it but I don't know if I'd integrate it with the posted one. However, adding one or two more sentences/thoughts............and voila another delectable poem!
Did you see the Red Violin? If you haven't, rent it, I KNOW you'll purchase it. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0120802/ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DhqgV4flGdE
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X8ITW72y_6s (Anna's theme)
I wrote several poems, inspired and blown away.
~A
Pamela A. Lamppa
14 years 1 month ago
Thank you
I will take a look at your link and appreciate you taking a moment on the additional lines.
I think I will stick with stopping right where I have.
Have yet to incorporate your other ideas, but I believe I will.
Thank you again. ~Pamela
wesley snow
14 years 1 month ago
Looser poetry
Hello Pamela, I told you I would get here. Better late...
I am something of a stick in the mud about "traditional" poetic forms. Sans a repetitious meter and some rhyme I'm often lost in the "looser poetry". However, I find if I allow the context and punctuation to guide the poem will come alive for me. That was true in this poem. You had already scored a point with me over the Chopin reference as I am a big fan of his Nocturnes and Preludes. Your poem has many similarities with his smaller musical pieces. A simple melody, not repeated too much making a subtle, yet profound statement. I don't know if you intended the counterpoint of playing a piano while holding someone in love, but it is what I gleaned from the poem. If I could offer a suggestion as to improvement, I would. I cannot. It is a lovely poem with powerful, if understated sentiments and an excellent introduction to your work. wesley
Pamela A. Lamppa
14 years 1 month ago
Thank you
You have grasped the meaning of this piece perfectly. I practice free verse in order to improve on writing in this form. I am weak with it, but better at it than haiku which I just cannot seem to grasp. LOL Someday maybe.
I am an avid fan of Chopin and have loved his music since I was in elementary school. Perhaps this is why I lean toward more formal and classical verse as well. My father was one to introduce us to the classics at and early age and Chopin always felt like me/ That you mentioned the correlation between playing the piano and holding a lover has me elated.
I shall enjoy following your verse and critiques on this site. Thank you kindly. ~Pamela