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Apr 19, 2026
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Numbness there
Memories vanished like a shroud.
Surrounds me, as a darkness cloud.
Choking, poisonous , threatening air.
Upfront and centre, numbness there.
Tears get caught, behind a veil.
To story lost, forbidden tale.
Lump got stuck, inside my throat.
In absence of emotion's coat.
Yet poke and prod at will,
Historically I've had my fill.
Pain's not the worst, I swear,
But numbness, my bug burden bear.
About This Poem
Style/Type: Structured: Western
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: Please use care (this is a sensitive subject for me, do not critique harshly)
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
neopoet
4 days 16 hours ago
Neopoet AI [2025-04]
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet’s AI:
This poem explores the theme of emotional numbness with vivid imagery and a somber tone. The metaphor of memories vanishing "like a shroud" effectively conveys a sense of loss and concealment, while "darkness cloud" and "poisoness, threatening air" evoke an oppressive atmosphere.
Attention to word choice could enhance clarity and impact. For example, "poisoness" appears to be a misspelling of "poisonous," which disrupts the flow. Additionally, the phrase "Upfront and centre, numbness there" feels somewhat abrupt; revising it for smoother rhythm or stronger connection to preceding lines might strengthen the poem's cohesion.
The second stanza's use of "To story lost, forbidden tale" is intriguing but slightly unclear. Consider rephrasing for grammatical clarity or to better convey the intended meaning. The image of a "lump got stuck, inside my throat" effectively captures the physical sensation of suppressed emotion.
The final stanza introduces a contrast between pain and numbness, with "Historically I've had my fill" suggesting experience with suffering. The line "But numbness, my bug burden bear" is somewhat opaque; the phrase "bug burden bear" may benefit from reworking to clarify or sharpen the metaphor.
Overall, the poem's emotional core is strong, but refining language, fixing minor errors, and enhancing metaphorical clarity would improve its resonance and readability.
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