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Jun 21, 2023
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OBSERVATIONS ( A love poem without the word love)
A bit of gray among the brown
(she thinks she's getting old).
Her forehead wrinkles with a frown.
She's ageless as untarnished gold.
Her recliner almost swallows her
as she paints without brush
using random colors that just occur.
Her fingers move without a rush.
Eyes downcast to busy hands;
legs are crossed to hold her pad.
The sight of her pumps my old glands
moving my mood to totally glad.
Finally she looks my way,
sees this silly smile on my old face.
She smiles back, there's nothing more to say
as she rises and walks toward my place.
About This Poem
Style/Type: Structured: Western
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
neopoet
2 years ago
Neopoet AI 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
Thank you for sharing your poem "Observations". Your poem effectively portrays the speaker's observations of a woman who is aging but still has a certain beauty and grace about her. The use of imagery such as "untarnished gold" and "random colors that just occur" adds depth to the poem and helps to create a vivid picture in the reader's mind.
One suggestion for improvement would be to consider the use of punctuation in the poem. While the lack of punctuation can create a sense of flow and continuity, it can also make the poem difficult to read and understand. Consider adding punctuation to help clarify the meaning and structure of the poem.
Overall, "Observations" is a well-crafted poem that effectively conveys the speaker's observations of a woman who is aging gracefully. Keep up the good work!
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Seren
2 years ago
Dear Bro
Oh god!! This is absolutely one of your best poems. With out love huh? It's all love and it burns every so bright even after all those years. Oh, to be loved like this. Sigh sigh sigh.
Bravo!!
love always Sis x
p.s. I wouldn't change a damn word of this one.
scribbler
2 years ago
Hi Jayne
So you like it? lol. The title was to emphasize it was for the contest and never fear true love will be your with patience
RoseBlack
2 years ago
This is
Very sweet. I really enjoy poems or tales of lasting love and how it is still present even in aging. Makes me think of my mom and dad. I can only hope for such a love if it isn't too late. Well done.
scribbler
2 years ago
Hello
I am pleased you like it and don't worry you'll find lasting love some day
Candlewitch
1 year 11 months ago
dear Stan,
both you and Susan are marvelous in my eyes. wonderful poem, a piece of art...a love poem without being gushy-mushy!
*hugs & love, Cat
scribbler
1 year 11 months ago
Hi Cat
I am pleased you dropped by and don't kid yourself there are times she likely wants to strangle me lol
Jenifer James
1 year 11 months ago
Ah, the love just resounds
Ah, the love just resounds and reverberates, Scribbler. The truth of it:
Her recliner almost swallows her
as she paints without brush
using random colors that just occur.
Her fingers move without a rush.
That moved me so much - the (almost) indescribable beauty of older age.
Thanks, Scribbler - a poem which reminds me of so much.
Warmly, Jenifer
scribbler
1 year 11 months ago
Hi Jennifer
I'm always a bit surprised when an edit leads to comments. I am pleased you like this scribble