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Oct 21, 2024
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Oceans of Love
Love is a weapon
Plundering borders
Without passport
Destroying your sanity
Love is a fig
An inverted flower
Invaded by the wasp
Smelling the aroma
Love is a verb
A four letter word
When you’re tongue-tied
To riposte
Love is a long bow
And slowly pulling
Flying the distance
Thinking in centuries
Love is a storm
Coming like a hurricane
Counter clockwise
Spiralling into one
Love is a phoenix
As Rumi says
That no birdcage
Can incarcerate
Love is a black hole
Swallows hatred
Spits out beauty
Forming the Milky Way
Love is a big heart
You can hear a whale
Pounding four miles away
Lover, I am coming
About This Poem
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
neopoet
9 months ago
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem "Oceans of Love" employs a range of metaphors to describe the concept of love, which is an effective technique in engaging the reader's imagination. Each stanza introduces a new metaphor, which keeps the poem dynamic and interesting.
However, the poem could benefit from a more consistent rhythm and meter. The line lengths and syllable counts vary greatly, which can disrupt the flow of the poem. For example, the third stanza has a noticeably different rhythm than the others due to its shorter lines.
Moreover, the poem could be more cohesive if the metaphors were more closely related or built upon each other. As it stands, the metaphors seem somewhat disjointed, jumping from one concept to another without a clear connection.
The use of specific cultural and scientific references, such as Rumi and black holes, adds depth to the poem, but these references might be lost on readers who are not familiar with them. It might be helpful to provide some context or explanation for these references, or to choose references that are more universally understood.
Lastly, the poem could benefit from a more clear and powerful conclusion. The final stanza introduces a new metaphor of a whale, but it does not seem to tie together or summarize the ideas presented in the previous stanzas. A more impactful ending could leave a lasting impression on the reader.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Yacubi
8 months 4 weeks ago
Thank you for these insights
This is very interesting in giving me comments on my poem.
Yes, in a number of my poems, my stanzas and metaphors don't connect to each other. I thought that I was creating a tapestry, being intuitive but they are not always connected. They are not telling a story that holds together all the elements. The rhythm and metre are off the charts. :-)
For example, is this one a bit better?
Two Rivers
Two rivers descend from their mountain source
Over the edge, barefoot towards their destinies
One finds open horizons, free flowing courses
The other, hidden beauty, silent testimony
Two rivers race towards the shoreless ocean
Boulders to pebbles, meandering their flow
One becomes a city slicker in slow motion
The other, to an ancient oasis it shall go
Candlewitch
8 months 4 weeks ago
Hello Yacobi,
Please do not take to heart everything that AI says. It is without heart or soul and cannot see the beauty of the poem! I adore that you have tackled the subject of "Love" and the many nuances. my favorite lines are:
Love is a long bow
And slowly pulling
Flying the distance
Thinking in centuries
Love is a storm
Coming like a hurricane
Counter clockwise
Spiralling into one
Thank you for posting this and sharing it with us at neopoet!
*hugs, Cat
Yacubi
8 months 4 weeks ago
Thanks Cat.
:-)