Seren

Apr 25, 2013 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

Odyssey

move me past
these words
stroke my face
as you transport me
on the tip of your
tongue, directed,
everywhere

there is nothing
but the fall
to your arms,
no softer
arc to land,
or port for
this storm

without you
I am mindless,
restless flesh,
twitching
an immitation
at life,
in the longing
of this separation

I have devolved
to a whisper
of darkness,
and as I pick
at the frayed
threads of shadow
I watch the stars,
ever dim

for I know
you, are not him

About This Poem

Style/Type: Free verse

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Beyond the Black Stump..Australia, AUS

Favorite Poets: Pablo Neruda, P.K.Page, W.H.Auden, to many and various to include them all ...

Comments

themoonman

12 years 2 months ago

Jayne,

The only critique is, change the title,
such an ending as this is ruined with
the title chosen.

damn fine poem !!!

Seren

12 years 2 months ago

Hi Richard

Glad you liked this one, I had some trouble with the title I shall have a good think and see if I can come up with a better title

thanks for the read and your thoughts

love JC x

Josephus

12 years 2 months ago

Great work,Jayne.

I agree wirh Richard though. You need a title change. The poem demands a grander title than the existing one. "Odyssey" comes to mind. Again, I wouldn't touch a thing within the poem itself.

Joe

Josephus

12 years 2 months ago

Great work,Jayne.

I agree wirh Richard though. You need a title change. The poem demands a grander title than the existing one. "Odyssey" comes to mind. Again, I wouldn't touch a thing within the poem itself.

Joe

Seren

12 years 2 months ago

Thanks for the read and your thoughts, I didnt like the title at all, Now though with an overwhelming majority ruling I will be changing the title to something more fitting, Odyssey is a good title if you dont mind I will use it ...

love JC xx

loved

12 years 2 months ago

you be your own self

as usual
change it
if you will

Seren

12 years 2 months ago

Loved

thanks for your thoughts on this one :)

love JC xxx

club special

12 years 2 months ago

WOW

"At the frayed treads of shadow" wow that line blew me away!

Seren

12 years 2 months ago

Hi :)

I am very happy you liked that as its one of my favourite parts of the poem thanks for the comment

love JC xx

Ian.T

12 years 2 months ago

Jayne

I have read this several times and it still haunts me, that there is pretence and regret held in a breath of time.
But it is a beaut piece of writing as usual and I think that I, in my comments on themes and not layouts have a tendency to miss a few things. But this old god is to old to learn many new tricks Neo is hard enough as it is lol,
Take care young one and keep writing as you do, I still need a box for fact or fiction lol, Yours Ian.T x

Seren

12 years 2 months ago

Ian

minute pieces of my poems hold a light of truth, each word I write is felt to my very core

thanks for the read I am very happy you liked this one

love JC xxx