Once hashtagged as an inarguable picture of physical fitness...

I ne'er got bran did
with a muffin top before -
until the onset of adipose tissue
crept in softly as on cat's paws
mainly every place
within the upper half
of mine once envious physique
particularly the bulk of weight gain
around the waist line,
linkedin to an alien abduction
many years earlier,
where/when extraterrestrials
experimented on my
then †graceful (obsolete) figure
(quite often mistaken for a lass),
when the writer of these words
then in the prime of his life,
which found yours truly forced to draft
an emancipation exculpation
towards a mystical,
ubiquitous energy field
created by all living things
that surrounds, penetrates,
and binds the galaxy together
extending within the outer limits
of the twilight zone,
(but I betcha ewe do not know who
yours truly did enlist
to fight, albeit sheepishly
the baa till of the bulge)
and found me shifting the blame
this present AARP pissed off poet
prompting Alter cocker
(properly spelled alte kacker or alter kaker)
you dear reader chose to read about,
and wonder why now
(meaning the sixth decade
of my three score and seven years
in what relation appeared as
a sudden inexplicable transformation
videlicet, when what appeared
as an unpleasant metamorphosis occurred),
although I queried myself
(with futility) as a rhetorical question,
though the writer of these words
wool not believe a response
other than expecting
an answer to come booming
down from the heavens above
issuing the unmistakable force of Darth Vader
resulting as the queenly champion
of the universe
automatically spelling defeat
in a futile attempt analogous
to stave off dark shadows,
who (no surprise)
turned out to be the victors
after coup d'état as if body electric of mine
overtaken by a microscopic occupying force
no doubt linkedin
to space being/inhabitants
who experimented and administered these
lovely bones and flesh of mine
planted time delayed substances
injected countless decades ago
after Xenomorphs id est space invaders
from the outer limits of the twilight
co-opted third planet from the sun
and conquered planet earth
except for Greenland
overruled and claimed most of Gaia
in the name and
under the guise of eminent domain
whereat these purple people eaters
kidnapped many Homo sapiens
with deliberate intent
to subject corporeal flesh of captives
to become forced guinea pigs
experimenting with helpless victims
at the receiving end of needles,
which initial unearthly serum
subdued the latitudinarian,
non-establishmentarian, proletarian,
et cetera ordinarily
calm, cool, and collected disposition
spurred with esprit de corps
fighting tooth and nail to resist the tsunami
of mass consumerism
and actually ecstatic
at attack towards
purposelessness of materialism
inundating the population at large,
which majority of the people,
by the people and for the people
shall not perish from the earth
in order to sustain Mike and the mechanics.

Impossible firm he (reed myth self)
to compete with Adonis, no way no chance
asthma gut busts over
waistband of sweatpants,
the choice couture,
asper this poet, who kant's
cease spewing regularly
(quotidian) raves and rants
years ago (another lifetime),
I partook of contra dance
sing, (and most casual suitable
place to find romance)
plus burn calories matter of fact,
a milieu to buff and enhance
physique, while simultaneously
kibitzing with great expanse
of pleasant gals and guys
one must not be afraid to prance
(albeit in accordance
with a caller on stage,
and maintain endurance)
synonymous with aerobic exercise,
and also act flirtatiously amorously glance
sing and/or stealing a French fried
kiss, yup dashing all
the way out to France,
yet returning just in time and proper,
or improper instance
all the while sustaining
the energetic activity over expanse
of a few hours (traditionally
held on Thursday evenings)
and for that block of time held in a trance,
asper...analogous to
spellbinding arrow or lance
suspended part way thru flight,
cuz all troubles with tribbles,
temporarily melted away,
which venue mentioned,
which small number of bucks one did pay
to participate among mine weekly highpoint,
where life liberty, and pursuit of happiness,
which placed this then solitudinarian akin to a cray
zee lee whirling dervish, did pine
spruced himself up, and ready to hay
for four, thus sped without delay
this bag of lovely bones hapt tubby
much more trim, unlike
less physically fit body of today,
and scant finances find me foregoing joyfully
listening to musicians play
and healthily feeling exhausted
with closing waltz,
thence out tummy car
yours truly did sashay!