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Apr 18, 2025
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One Sentence
My shaft pulsing
Between her ivory thighs
She murmurs:
"O my lord don't make me
Love you"
About This Poem
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
neopoet
3 months ago
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Candlewitch
3 months ago
Dear John,
I think it would work better if you used Ivory or ebony instead of Jade. I know that there are a few kinds/colors of Jade. Jade is not always green. But when one says, Jade, it is usually green that comes to mind. thanks for posting , my friend.
much love, Cat
Dalton
3 months ago
Dearest Cat
Will certainly contemplate your idea and certainly alter apropos your pertinent thoughts
Dalton
3 months ago
Dearest Cat
Have altered jade for ivory as per your suggestion xxx
Dalton
3 months ago
Deer Cat
Happy Easter my precious friend
Candlewitch
3 months ago
and to you...
a happy Easter... I think the poem reads a bit smoother now.
much love, Cat