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alidzain

Jan 18, 2015 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

One Step At A Time

One step at a time
with each heartbeat of my life
learning to accept
the mortality of self
that humbles the man in me

About This Poem

Last Few Words: Posted with my sister's help. Hope you enjoy it. Can't do much with the pain.

Style/Type: Structured: Eastern

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: singapore, SGP

Favorite Poets: Emily Dickinson, Robert Frost, Sarojini Naidu and friends in Neopoet.

More from this author

Comments

10 years 5 months ago

Salam Khalid

A little gem brother. I like how you could express your feelings. So well said. I thought if you trimmed "of my life" it would not be limited to your case but be more universal. (IMO).
Take care.
Wish you a quick recovery.

10 years 5 months ago

Salam, Rula

I would have followed your suggestion and changed it to "of this life" but it won't click with the second line of the couplet. emmm any ideas?

Alid

10 years 5 months ago

of course

I understand.
You can say "with each breath goes in and out"
unless you want to keep heartbeat" as it is almost the core of you message in this piece.
Just thoughts. I really do like what you did.

10 years 5 months ago

great senryu alid

Nothing to offer that would enhance it
quite powerful
Well done
Love judy
xxx

10 years 5 months ago

Hi Judy

senryu? no, judy. this is called a tanka. Senryu don't have the couplets at the end. Thanks for the visit and comment.

Alid

10 years 5 months ago

lol -

Of course - it is tanka
I'm a little rusty :)
I had senryu in mind as your poem is about human foibles, and not a description of nature

whatever it is - it is a good write
love judy
xxx

Lol - I need to go back to the drawing board and refresh myself re terms
xxx

10 years 5 months ago

Alid

An excellent philosophical Tanka, you should save little gems like this in a special place..
Yours, Ian

10 years 5 months ago

Hello Ian

I'll keep that in mind, Ian. Thanks for the visit and the comment.

Alid

10 years 5 months ago

Hi Alid

All that can be said about this wonderful poem has been said! :)

This is a great tanka - no crit from me 10 out of 10

Love Mand xxxx

10 years 5 months ago

Hi Mand

thanks for the visit. Still recovering.The pain makes me cry but it can't stop me from writing. I refused to let it have a hold on me.

Alid

10 years 5 months ago

Hi Alid

I feel both sorry for you and proud of you! It must be very hard to get comfortable - I hope the pain subsides soon! :(

You are brave and an inspiration. :) xx

Love Mand xxxx

10 years 5 months ago

Thank you, Mand

I can only be the best that God makes me to be thru my family and my friends.

Alid

R

10 years 5 months ago

Hi Alid

Others before me have already appreciated this Gem. I join them too. Let your thoughts keep gleaming so beautifully in your writes.

Regards,

10 years 5 months ago

Hi Raj

I'll do my best. Thank you very much.

Alid

10 years 5 months ago

I know nothing of the tanka,

so it wouldn't do to comment on the poem, but I wanted to express my dismay at how you're feeling. Get well.

10 years 5 months ago

Thank you,Wes

for the visit nd the comment.

Alid