Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.
Feb 18, 2014
⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)
Opaque Adulation (Read On Wesley)
Candy apple red
dripping across hell's ashes.
Bruises forming, purple and black.
Cigarettes burning, blistering
across her back.
The beast had done it again....
From upon the ledge
Storyteller sat in angst.
Watching his Marietta
who was losing the fight.
His stone heart broken
sinking deep within his chest.
He could end it with just one bite....
Her story was sad
she had believed in someone with a past.
There were those who warned against,
said it wouldn't last.
But love is blind as a bat....
She came from nothing,
had hoped to become something.
Only to be held captive
in the beast's lair.
Lessons learned a bit too late....
For centuries, Storyteller had sat,
many victims came and went,
except for Marietta, his pet.
From a distance, he loved her,
more than the beast ever could,
never understood what she saw in him,
cared more than he should.
Her pain became his to bare.
immortalizing her would only be fair.
The sanguin smell made his body ache....
Down he glided,
as she reached the water's edge.
Waves bellowing, choking,
as she jumped in.
From behind, Storyteller left his brand....
Piercing the skin,
her flesh was weak.
The life had been drained
long before the pinch.
Collapsing into a watery grave....
Storyteller lifted her body
holding it close to his,
he almost felt alive
as they descended upon the skies.
Ever after in his eyes....
To the ledge they took,
her peaceful slumber undisturbed.
His mission was successful
the beast's torment was over.
Tomorrow she would wake
to start over,
to be loved like no other,
his queen had come home.
About This Poem
Last Few Words: This is in response to Ian and Stan's Vampire Challenge, also to Wesley...is this the darkness you were speaking of in your poem? The style you mentioned?? Enjoy!
Style/Type: Free verse
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
[This option has been removed]
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
wesley snow
11 years 8 months ago
This is so... you.
I won't even pick this apart. Yes, this is the "style" I tried to mimic. It turned out easier than I thought it would be. I just bled all over the page and poof... a vampire poem. Maybe I've read too many of your poems.
Nah.
Where's my damn book?
lonlyhrtsclub13
11 years 8 months ago
LOL
Learning to fly by the seat of ur pants???? I am rubbing off on you, could be dangerous. Your book is coming...let me.get home tonight. I was looking forward to you hacking this apart...have you any thoughts
wesley snow
11 years 8 months ago
Yes, of course I do.
I am very much pleased to see your recent pieces have been proofread. No obvious mistakes is a breath of air.
Now, watch your punctuation. Nothing dynamic, but occasionally...
From upon the ledge, (don't need the comma here. If the sentence is short, leave it out)
Storyteller sat in angst.
Watching his Marietta, (again an unnecessary comma)
as she was losing the fight.
His stone heart broken, (and three)
sinking deep within his chest.
As I said, nothing dynamic, but too many extra commas.
Rather mechanical of me... eh?
I didn't have any problems with the poem. It's classic Carrie, but you've improved the mechanism so much I'd like to see you continue... especially if you're going to start putting together a long piece.
lonlyhrtsclub13
11 years 8 months ago
Punctuation
always a problem for me when it comes to Poetry. I will go back and make revisions, as you can see I have made a few subtle changes already. When I originally posted, I was at work and couldn't make any immediate changes. I was hoping it would catch your eye. I tried to give my characters an identity this time, a story...so many of my poems have the word "him" or "her" but no real identity. I am pleased that you can see the changes...I am having a blast with synonyms :) To be continued.....check your inbox for your book...
alidzain
11 years 8 months ago
this is as dark
as it gets, I think. wonderful.
Alid
lonlyhrtsclub13
11 years 8 months ago
Alid
Thank you for the read....I am glad you enjoyed.
eightmenout
11 years 8 months ago
Carrie
I do hope you don't take this the wrong way. You are a fine writer (as many here will a test to), but I always feel like you leave too much to the reader. I know it's in you. I've seen it before. Give us the details. Sell these characters to the point where we wait in line for the sequel. Conclude without concluding if you can understand what I mean by that.
Please don't get me wrong. It is a solid write. There is just so much more inside you. Let it out.
Scott
lonlyhrtsclub13
11 years 8 months ago
Scott
As of recently, I have been working more on the technical /mechanical aspects of my writing (grammar, sentence structure, organization etc.). I find that if I start to go into too much detail, I become disorganized and tend to lose the entire piece. As Wesley will tell you, I tend to bleed out all over the page with very little structure, I am just doing it in a more organized way now :) I will take a look at this again when I have more time (I am at work right now) and see what I can do.
wesley snow
11 years 8 months ago
Do it on the next poem.
Don't sweat this one, but the man is right... you leave too much to the reader's imagination. We have to fill in too many holes. This is not a bad tool used judiciously, but start going the other way. Write as though we are mindless and will not understand unless it is spelled out for us carefully.
I am a remarkably stupid human and sometimes I like to be led by the hand through an adventure. Subtlety is cool, but occasionally over rated.
Guide me through your emotions.
Well tagged Scott.
Try doing this until we start saying you're giving too much. Then you will have succeeded in changing.
lonlyhrtsclub13
11 years 8 months ago
I added
a few things. As I am at work, I cannot play around with it too much but I did make some changes. Will work more at this tonight, if time allows. I like this piece almost as much as I liked the one I did for the workshop , so this will be fun to rework
eightmenout
11 years 8 months ago
Thank you, sir. She has so
Thank you, sir. She has so much to offer.
lonlyhrtsclub13
11 years 8 months ago
Did you
see what I have added? It is only the beginning but it is a start...
eightmenout
11 years 8 months ago
Carrie
Back story is a good start, but not exactly what I was referring to. I think we are all aware of Hemingway's iceberg theory. But you are leaving too much to the reader. We have to work too hard for the story. What I think is in you but you're holding back is in the descriptions. Draw the picture and let us color it in. Tweak your detail to offer more of a complete environment.
ex. She dripped candy apple red,
her back stained by purple
and black bruises
rising above hell's ashes
as they smoldered on her skin,
the cigarette still aglow
in his rickety fingers
I don't think that I was true to your scene. Didn't necessarily want to be. It's your story. I just wanted to illustrate how a few word changes can allow the reader to step right into the scene and join the story instead of just reading it. Don't get me wrong, the story is entertaining, I'm just having to work to hard for it. Help us along. I've seen you do it before.
Something I have been doing lately is treating my work like it's a human body. First I develop the skeleton (premise), then I add the necessary organs to make it come alive, then I wrap it with skin to hold it all together.
Hope this helps you some,
Scott
raj
11 years 8 months ago
Carrie
Many have already commented on this before me. Nuances of poetry apart, I find that in your inimitable style you hold the reader captive in the story...i agree it does leave the reader looking for more of the story to unfold, but in a way at times it is better for them to carry on with it in their mind space...
Regards,
lonlyhrtsclub13
11 years 8 months ago
Raj
Thank you for the read and your comment. I almost feel like if I put too much in, it is going to ruin the entire poem. There is supposed to be an element of mystery and darkness, imagination should take over. Maybe it is easy for me to read between the lines because I created this. A work in progress as always....thanks again for the read.
wesley snow
11 years 8 months ago
Time for me to swing in...
Don't sweat the mystery. First of all you drip, drip, drip it. No matter what you add you will maintain mystery. Second, usually when one answers a question, questions arise. The more you give the more we will want. Don't be afraid of handing it out in spades. If you start giving too much away we will tell you.
alidzain
11 years 8 months ago
have to agree
with Wesley and Scott on this one, though. A bit of mystery will always be present but if you leave too much to the readers, it can be frustrating to them. I don't know, it's just a thought.
Alid