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Apr 29, 2021
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Open your eyes up
Listen to them talk that talk
Bout all that made up shit
Saying that there life is hell
And that they really hate to life
Wishing for a better car
Or their ex to take them back
While I’m sitting here with hardcore pain
And my brain is starting to crack
Open your eyes up girls
Your life really ain’t that bad
You live in your designer homes
And your mom don’t beat your dad
Driving that fancy car
With billion-dollar clothes
While I sit on my rusty hood
Feeling beat up and alone
Now I’m walking to detention hall
While they complain bout there broken nail
Flip their hair and wave their hands
To any creature that is male
Now I’m broke no dinner for me
As they blow cash for their crappy tans
Ima paint my nails blood red
And ignore the cops commands
Open your eyes up girls
Your life really ain’t that bad
You live in your designer homes
And your mom don’t beat your dad
Driving that fancy car
With billion-dollar clothes
While I sit on my rusty hood
Feeling beat up and alone
Now I’m packing up and heading away
To a school for naughty girls
In hopes to turn me into a blond
That wears diamonds and chunky pearls
Open your eyes up girls
I’ve forgotten what its like to be poor
I live in my designer home
And my dad don’t live no more
Open your eyes up girls
My hands are covered in gore
Now I'm rich as hell
And my mom don’t live no more
About This Poem
Last Few Words: This is a song I wrote about how the pretty and popular girls i'm "friends" with complain about everything when they have so much and i'm going through a bunch. Sorry about the language. (This song is an exaggeration btws. My parents are alive)
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
Candlewitch
4 years 2 months ago
hello,
I suggest that you drop the word "up" from the title as it is redundant. and change:"and my mom don't live no more" to and my mom doesn't live anymore. I'm sure that other poets reading your poem will have more suggestions. goof angsty work. good luck.
*hugs, Cat