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Original sin occurred as ruse across the veldt
Though once controversial,
the notion of evolution,
which encompasses
an enormous period of time
essentially and initially
harkens back to proto humans
that spanned the physique gamut
of amply robust to svelte,
the latter more so than the former,
where adipose tissue clothed
(so called naughty bits
countless millenniums later
courtesy the British),
nevertheless back to the future
during the days
and steamy nights of Homo erectus
the wardrobe of Twiggy like females
did not require a substantial animal pelt
to hide primeval corporeal latitudes,
which Tropic of Cancer
(as alluded to courtesy Arthur Miller
by his book of the same name)
hot zone would immediately melt
hardened male members
after entrance (ingress)
sought after close encounter
housing southern comfort downy felt
shrouding miniature chamber of secretes
which subjected warm prickly
hankered to lay anchor
where goblet of fire dwelt
just below the abdominal belt
penalty to breach
private miniature Jackson hole
Y - homing synonymous with
Olduvai Gorge, in Tanzania
meant forfeiture to access
and trespass into
honey dewed land
of freedom
to experience concupiscence,
which hashtagged verboten activity
only increased licentiousness
to populate the human zoo
hundreds of thousands of years ago
once a scarce species
that just by fluke of circumstances
brought to life me and you
and the creative
genius of Doctor Seuss
whose innovative talent came up
with Horton hears a Who
and other memorable characters
some of which censors took objection
though, he only incorporated
the mindset of the culture and society,
whose books ought
not be banned in my view,
nevertheless stereotypes
still healthily thrive
among the naked ape
whose glaring faultiness
even genetic engineering cannot undo
and I (a scapegoat for bullies)
might equals right
dominates throughout civilization
pierced and imprinted
analogous to genetic tattoo
advertising upon the flesh to shew
and tell others courtesy
inked billy leave able idols
at a quick review
though voluntary painful
needling upon the flesh
will never find me standing in a queue
tantamount to be self branded,
which as you accurately surmise I poo poo
and my obsessive compulsive disorder fetishes
(essentially time consuming rituals
taking precedence)
some harking back to infancy)
yours truly never outgrew
analogous to finger nails,
and gnarly toenails
to be tended
courtesy to a manicure
and pedicure respectively,
plus getting head tonsured
disallowing impurities
to desecrate the body electric,
all the time maintaining
a sense of purity and hilarity
and un-adulteratedness,
which brings to mind
naturally included who's on first
cue riotous Bud Abbott
and Lou Costello script nouveau
classic humorous dialogue
while on the opposite side
of the spectrum analysis
one finds the serious minded Misirlou
(Μισιρλού) means "" in Greek,
derived from the Turkish Mısırlı
(Egyptian), which comes
from the Arabic word
for Egypt (Misr),
a popular Mediterranean folk song,
often associated with the rebetiko
(Greek blues) genre, describing
a love between a Greek Christian man
and an Egyptian Muslim woman,
though its origins
lost to history
across Ottoman-influenced regions.
About This Poem
Style/Type: Free verse
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - polished draft
Comments
neopoet
2 months 2 weeks ago
Neopoet AI [2025-04]
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet’s AI:
This poem ambitiously weaves together themes of human evolution, cultural history, and identity, employing a sprawling, stream-of-consciousness style that challenges conventional poetic form. The extended narrative approach creates a tapestry of ideas, but this expansiveness also risks diluting focus and making the poem difficult to follow in places.
The poem’s central motif—tracing human origins from proto-humans through cultural developments—offers rich ground for exploration. However, the dense syntax and frequent shifts in subject matter sometimes obscure the poem’s emotional or thematic core. For example, the transitions from evolutionary biology to references to Doctor Seuss, tattooing, and Greek folk songs feel abrupt, which may disrupt reader engagement. Consider tightening these connections or using clearer signposting to guide the reader through these thematic leaps.
The language is often elaborate and occasionally verbose, which can hinder clarity. Phrases like “penalty to breach / private miniature Jackson hole” and “inked billy leave able idols” are intriguing but somewhat opaque. Striving for more precise and accessible diction might enhance the poem’s impact without sacrificing its complexity.
The poem’s rhythm and pacing vary widely, with long, winding lines that sometimes read more like prose than poetry. Introducing varied line lengths, strategic line breaks, or stanzas could help create a more dynamic flow and emphasize key images or ideas.
Finally, the poem touches on profound cultural and historical references, such as the Tropic of Cancer, Olduvai Gorge, and the Misirlou folk song, which enrich the text but might benefit from more contextual framing to deepen their resonance.
Overall, refining the poem’s structural coherence and linguistic clarity could strengthen its thematic delivery and reader accessibility while preserving its ambitious scope.
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