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May 10, 2015
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Origins (exploration workshop free verse)
The coffee mug is mostly black.
In white encircling it-
as an Egyptian mosaic-
are figures metamorphing.
A Lemur dances to a tune
and turns into a hulking beast.
The beast then tries to stand.
Two incarnations and he is upright,
then his rocket pack takes him to the stars.
About This Poem
Last Few Words: My word is "cup".
Style/Type: Free verse
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
Pugilist
10 years 1 month ago
The flow is a little rough in the begining
I like how the title ties into the poem's progression. I am just stumbling on some of the phrasing. My suggestions are in [BRACKETS.]
"The coffee mug is black.
[yet encircled in white]-
as an Egyptian mosaic-
[with] figures metamorphing.
A Lemur dances to a tune
[turning] into a hulking beast.
The beast [struggles to gain his feet].
Two incarnations and he is upright.
[H]is rocket pack takes him to the stars."
judyanne
10 years 1 month ago
I really like this Wes
Quite inspiring.
I agree with the last two suggestions given by Jonathon, but not the first two... I think your way is clearer there
Maybe too 'are figures metamorphing' might be better as 'is a figure metamorphing' as it is the one thing changing .... just how I read it.
Also, I think it should be spelt metamorphosing.... do you think another word there might work better .... 'transforming'.... 'becoming' ....
Love judy
xxx
wesley snow
10 years 1 month ago
It made me nuts.
I couldn't figure out how to spell metamorphosing... even my computer fixes it when I think I have it right.
This verso libre stuff is hard on me. I have a very difficult time relaxing in my verse. It simply doesn't sound musical to me.
But I do love that coffee cup.
Rula
10 years 1 month ago
A very good take of the prompt word sir
the language use is very apt. I like the reference to the Egyptian mosaic thing and appreciate the metphore.
A good job when it comes to someone free verse is not his cup of tea. :)
alidzain
10 years 1 month ago
This is a good attempt
love the imagery.
Alid
weirdelf
10 years 1 month ago
Wow
My only crit after all that has gone before is in the final line
Then his rocket pack takes him to the stars.
I think 'then' is superfluous and feels a bit like try hard story telling. (How dare I say that to you? I am the weirdelf)
His rocket pack takes him to the stars.
or even
He rockets back to the stars
scribbler
10 years 1 month ago
Hello
Main fault I find is stating unequivocally that the mug is black then immediately talking about the white circle in which evolution is depicted. Easily fixed by saying it's Mostly black.............stan
wesley snow
10 years 1 month ago
Suggestions all used...
sort of.