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Aug 26, 2013
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Outside the Realm
Outside the Realm by RW
these cloth wrapped feet shuffle on the king's road
eyes ever watchful, I jump at a toad
fear stands implicit, for those who by birth
not blessed a noble nor with courtly worth
the nights gripping fingers, witchy cold claws
near the inn quietly breaking all laws
my back against wood and mortar to warm
numbers of knights to my inn they will swarm
if I make a sound,a horse thief or worse
my neck in course noose they can't reimburse
mere days will take me off road to the hills
where my life, my wife will ease all my chills
for horrors swirl under sky's burning helm
the price of a man who lives outside the realm
About This Poem
Last Few Words: I know the meter is flawed. That's why I'll be spending a lot of time trying to align my self to fixed meter. I've written good strong pieces before but I wish to be able to do meter effortlessly. It has never been, it' nearly always craft work that takes me hours and usually leaves my poem with a new story and very little of the original piece.
Style/Type: Structured: Western
Review Request Direction:
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
Ian.T
11 years 10 months ago
Ron
The theme is very good and a new slant on those that have and those that have not.
Never could understand why we let them breed to increase the population, it should have been two children only for them and as many as we would like for us, or at least till we produced a Son..
This will get them going Lol...
Yours Ian Thomas Howard of Norfolk (La La added by Sparrow)
BlueDemon77
11 years 10 months ago
Thanks Ian!
Yes, I guess it does more or less come down to class, riches, or poverty. I was looking at a 1500s type era in England as a setting. I think I'm beginning to get a bit better at detaching myself from my own work. The strongest thing I see here is the palpable feeling of dread. The sense of being surrounded by danger. The worst is the lack of consistently correct meter. That's my new nemesis. Thanks for your critique!
Ron
Geezer
11 years 10 months ago
Nice little tale...
I was a little bit perplexed about if you were the owner of the inn or simply staying there. Once I found that you were a man of low-birth, I realized that maybe you hadn't even the money to stay at the inn, but had just slept with your back against the wall of the inn, so as to stay warm. Not sure if you meant that you were a horse-thief or that you might be taken for one because you were skulking around out back. I think the word that you were looking for is spelled [coarse] not course, but then you might have meant it as to say that you would have been taken for a thief, as a matter of course? Good story and good rhyme! ~ Gee
BlueDemon77
11 years 10 months ago
Hi Gee!
You got me on the third one! You found (I was very happy to see) exactly what I had meant to say in your first two points, but yes, the noose should have been coarse, not course. That one got past me. Thanks for the critique and the kind words.
Ron
Roscoe Lane
11 years 10 months ago
Even today,
Even today there are those who can't keep warm, get food, water, whatever. Your poem highlights an age old problem. Those who are needed by the wealthy will be well fed, watered and warm. While those who they see of no worth will be dissowned. Good poem. Regards Roscoe...
BlueDemon77
11 years 10 months ago
Hi Roscoe!
Surely it is a concern today as well, though I'd like to think that the ring of established non-profits help to some extent where they couldn't have in the 1500s. I appreciate the appraisal of the poem. I'm walking the razor of not choosing a knee-jerk side with the riches thing. The whole Cayman Islands/Swiss bank account thing is complete bullshit. The upper crust voting fiscal and tax laws with a decided personal conflict of interest is bullshit. The competition I don't care about, if it is a fair context. Modern Capitalism is about building empires, and history tells us that empires fall. But I digress....
Thanks Roscoe,
Ron
weirdelf
11 years 8 months ago
Evocative
I agree that it is a good idea to practice perfect meter in order to become proficient at meter. That doesn't mean proficient at perfect meter, nobody does that, not even the masters. It also means you need to let go of the need for great, meaningful poetry whilst practising perfect meter.
The poem feels like a compromise between striving for perfection and meaning. In my reading you will hear I only need to make one change for flow:
near the inn quietly breaking all [of the] laws.
Elsewhere it does feel a bit contrived with grammatical inversions for the sake of rhyme, like:
numbers of knights to my inn they will swarm
my neck in course noose they can't reimburse
These are really, really hard to fix. Some might say they are just the price of consistent rhyme.
Nonetheless a strong, well-crafted poem.
http://vocaroo.com/i/s057tYwVIblt