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Over The Rainbow...
Lost in a world not of his making
The messages went around in his head
Oh, why have I been, so forsaken?
And he cried; "I'd rather be dead"
Lions and tigers and scarecrow brains
Full of straw and cotton stuffing
A tin-man left out, rusted in rain
Feeling alone and simply worth nothing
Empty of love and two drops of sorrow
He built walls that kept closing him in
No thought of what may happen tomorrow
Going through life with a big Cheshire grin
Then came the day he knew what he wanted
A place in the sun, somewhere to call home
Tired of feeling that he had been haunted
A place that he'd stay, no need to roam
Oz seems too far, down the yellow brick road
But home is where the heart is connected
A soul that is paid for, still isn't sold
If it never is collected...
About This Poem
Last Few Words: Thank you all for your help in getting the title right and to Alan for his help in the rhythm of it.
Style/Type: Structured: Western
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - polished draft
Comments
Simon
5 years 2 months ago
Seriously
I've enjoyed reading this poem and keep me thirsting for more, it's a nice work.
Simon
5 years 2 months ago
Seriously
I've enjoyed reading this poem and keep me thirsting for more, it's a nice work.
Geezer
5 years 2 months ago
Thank you...
I appreciate you stopping by to read and comment. Haven't seen any of your work lately, ~ Geezer.
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Geezer
5 years 2 months ago
This is...
the story of a man who feels like he has been lost for many years, estranged from his family and friends and not able to connect with his life as it is. Now, he is slowly asserting himself, understanding that he can control his life and feeling like he will be able to find that place in the sun. Thank you for asking. ~ Geezer.
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Geezer
5 years 2 months ago
I like...
your idea of the simply [worth] nothing. As to the title, it was originally "Terrible Tom" but I felt it didn't reflect the theme at all.
How about "Under the Rainbow"? ~ Geezer.
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Geezer
5 years 2 months ago
Beginning to favor...
Over the Rainbow. It kind of reminds me of a Pink Floyd song; something said in "The Wall". Not really sure what it was. ~Geezer.
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Geezer
5 years 2 months ago
Amen to the guitar...
I have a great deal of trouble remembering words to even my favorite songs, as I hear voices more as instruments. Funny that.
~ Geezer.
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Lavender
5 years 2 months ago
Mr. Wizard
Hi, Geezer,
I like the way this moves along in a Wizard of Oz fashion. Really clever, but then I took a side step when I read Cheshire grin, which made me switch my thinking to Alice's Adventure in Wonderland. A small distraction for me. The final stanza brought me back to the Wizard, though. Those last two lines are striking.
Thank you!
L
Geezer
5 years 2 months ago
I understand...
the side-step to "Alice in Wonderland" but I wanted to show that he has been masquerading as being satisfied in being where he is, smoking his hookah with a big grin on his face. ~ Geezer.
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Lavender
5 years 2 months ago
Cheshire Grin
I get it! Puurrfect!
L
c lynn brooks
5 years 2 months ago
Gee
Amazing how you have given Oz a whole new meaning
great job on this one I see no errors at all
Geezer
5 years 2 months ago
Thank you much...
Still working on it, so it may change a little. The title is almost certain to. ~ Gee.
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Geezer
5 years 2 months ago
I have changed...
the title to "Over The Rainbow" as been suggested. ~ Geezer.
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Geezer
5 years 2 months ago
Thank you...
Alan, for your help with the meter and rhythm. I took a couple of your suggestions and used them, but I like the sarcastic cliché of "Over The Rainbow". ~ Geezer.
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scribbler
5 years 2 months ago
late to the game
A poem I'd have never thought to write (a Good thing lol0/ A few ideas to pass on :
Line 2-the messages raced in his head
Stanza 2,line 4- Feeling lonely a worth almost nothing
Stanza 4 line 2 - a place in the sun to call his home
Just a few ideas from a head full of straw
Geezer
5 years 2 months ago
I think...
I will let this settle for a while now. I did change the 2nd line just a bit. ~ Gee.
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