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Jul 26, 2017
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The Owl's Foe
What can I say to all the owls
Have lingered nights in shadows; yet
Have slept a wink at common hours
And woken when the day has set
Arouse the night-birds and his peers
For darkness ain't but friends with sleep!
And soon the sun will wake the day
And all be up, but you, asleep!
What can i say to all the owls
Who hoot and cry the whole night through
"Arouse! Arise! You sleepy things
For darkness is a foe with you!"
About This Poem
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
swamp-witch
8 years 2 months ago
Hello Basya,
I enjoy how this poem brings together classical forms and modern word choices. I also enjoy the dialog of waking up the sleepy things. There is definitely a whimsy in this poem that I appreciate a lot.
If I could make a few small suggestions:
First, I would say that "night-birds" on the first line of the second stanza should either be singular (night-bird) to match the use of "his" or "his" should be changed to "their" to match the use of night-birds. Does that make sense? The pronoun is not corresponding to the noun as it is. It's just a small grammar thing, but as the reader it can be a bit confusing.
The second suggestion would be to change "foe with" on the last line to "foe for" or "foe of". I think those would be more smooth than "foe with".
Hope these suggestions help! Welcome to Neopoet and hope to see more from you.
Kelsey