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Jan 26, 2014
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Palestine
Here lies the tragedy of lost humanity
a land ravaged by men of greed
who never stop trampling on her dignity
with the cruelty that they breed
The slaughter of innocents leave me speechless,
as their blood stains the land they called Home
The vicious cycle of violence seems endless
that I wonder ...without peace, can there ever be hope?
Still the strong-willed will not bow to the conquerors
even with the threat of death and torture.
Their courage remains strong, unfaltered
as they fight for the ones they loved
Even if the world turns deaf to your plight
even if they choose to be blind
you are not alone, my brothers
for you have Allah by your side
In the silence of the night,
i will pray for you
that you may find strength
to face the trials before you
Till you shed the last drop of blood
till the day your bodies return to Earth
fight for your rights, your freedom
your love, Palestine
About This Poem
Last Few Words: Here it is, Rula, just as I have promised. I leave it to you and our friends to comment.I know I still have much to learn, so go ahead, tell me how to improve, Maybe help me find better words to improve my descriptions.
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - polished draft
Comments
raj
11 years 5 months ago
Hi Alid
Honestly I see your thoughts run smoothly through these verses than before. Your outrage and helplessness about events unfolding is very palpable, as is your empathy for the affected, so much so that I could feel your craving to reach out to them to give them confidence and self belief...
As for the choice of words, I did not find too much needing a change. However giving below a few suggestions in the form of alternates, for you to evaluate:-
In S 2 L3 The [vicious] cycle of violence seems endless
In S 3 L 3 Their courage remain[s] strong, unfaltered
In S4 L 1 Even if the world turns a deaf ear to your plight - [you may delete 'a' and 'ear']
In S 5 L 5 to face the trials in front of you - [ you may replace "in front of" with "before"]
In S 6 L 1 Till you shed the last drop of your blood - [consider deleting "your" ]
In S 6 L 4 for Palestine, for the ones you loved - [consider changing "for the ones you loved" to " for your loved ones"]
Consider the above to be just friendly suggestions..even without them it is a very livid and vivid poem.. regards..
alidzain
11 years 5 months ago
Hi Raj
thanks. much appreciated. i'll make the changes now
raj
11 years 5 months ago
Adil, it's my pleasure to
Adil, it's my pleasure to suggest. Please change only where you find appropriate and where such suggestions don't affect your perspective....
alidzain
11 years 5 months ago
just asking
is there a difference between 'pity" and "empathy". i wonder if they share the same meaning..
raj
11 years 5 months ago
Alid
To me, Pity is just feeling sorry, whereas Empathy is connecting deeper with a sense of understanding, e.g., feeling the pain of those affected by putting yourself in their shoes .... I hope I am right in my perception....
alidzain
11 years 5 months ago
i see...
thank you for the quick reply
Rula
11 years 5 months ago
Well done Khalid
I'm sorry I couldn't visit earlier as I've caught bad cold. I really feel dizzy but thought I'd say this is really good. I see that raj has stepped with good thoughts and suggestions. Nothing major I can think of at the moment, but if I may
Stanza 2 Line 2 I'd capitalize "home" to "Home"
Stanza 3 Line 3 [unfaltered] do you mean [unaltered] ? or [faltered]?
Last stanza Line 2..."to the earth" I'd remove "the" and capitalize "Earth"
and for the last two lines
"fight for your rights and your freedom
for Palestine, for your loved ones."
I'd tweak a little to something like:
fight for your rights, your freedom
your love, Palestine.
But these as I said are mere thoughts, I've really enjoyed and feel good that somewhere in the far world there is a friend who feels my anguishes and shares my grieves. Wish your Home would stay safe, Ameen
alidzain
11 years 5 months ago
Hi Rula
Stanza 3 Line 3 'unfaltered' I want to say will not falter but I don't know if that is the right word. As for have rest, I have edited..thanks for the suggestions.
Alid
alidzain
11 years 5 months ago
take care
try not too stressed out yourself too much..
khalid