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IRiz
IRiz
May 17, 2018 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

Paper Boat

Walking on the petals
fallen from the fading in the air branches,
thinking it was only leaves from distant autumn,
already forgotten season of the winds,
I have crossed the ocean in my dreams.
Listening to murmur,
droplets on the rooftops, fluttering umbrellas,
thinking it was only distant birds and lonely
shadows resurface on the evening ink
I have lost my caution and I wrote a poem.
Thrown in the wide-world
paper boat is floating in the brown waters,
losing paper soldiers overboard like seeds,
hopeful and joyous seeds of tulip trees.

About This Poem

Last Few Words: Please, help me with punctuation, did i put too many commas? How is my word order, does the text make sense? do i have to write petals fallen from the branches fading in the air. or petals fallen from the fading in the air branches still okay?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Washington DC, USA

Favorite Poets: Matsuo Bashō, Sylvia Plath, Charles Bukowski, TS Eliot, William Carlos Williams, Joseph Brodsky, Boris Pasternak, DH Lawrence, Robert Frost

More from this author

Comments

T

tyro

7 years 2 months ago

Hello IRiz

Hello IRiz
Actually I think you need one more comma after wide-world. All the commas are necessary because this is written in compound-complex sentences.

Only the word order in the first dependent clause is unclear to me, it seems to be saying (both examples) that the branches are fading in the air, but I think you mean the petals are fading in the air; if so, this looks clearer:

walking on petals
already fading before falling from branches,

IRiz

IRiz

7 years 2 months ago

Hello Tyro!

Hello Tyro!
Thank you very much for your help, I ment branches are fading in the air. I thought about the trees being so tall and branches so long and thinning at the ends and fading in the air leaving petals on the trail, carpets and carpets so that you can walk on them or even cross the ocean on their floating islands.

IRiz

IRiz

7 years 2 months ago

Lol, enjoy the images with me

Lol, enjoy the images with me!
The best part is that nobody knows about them and even if they knew they would see them differently.

fink555

fink555

7 years 2 months ago

This is dreamy

and the tulip lines have that faint flavor of you know what--Surrealism!

IRiz

IRiz

7 years 2 months ago

Sometimes simple and most

Sometimes simple and most prosaic detail sounds out of this world, because reality is bigger than imagination.
I live next to a tulip-tree alley. They are tall and beautiful trees. Their petals on the wooden surface of the alevated trail look like autumn leaves light yellow with a green hue. The rain is now pouring for three days and I think about Hundred Years of Solitude and walk in the alley on a thin reflecting the sky and the branches of the tulip trees layer of rain water.

S

scribbler

7 years 2 months ago

Punctuation?

Well, maybe I can help with that :
Walking on the petals fallen
from the fading in air branches
thinking it was only leaves from distant autumn
(already forgotten season of the winds)
I have crossed the ocean in my dreams.

Listening to murmur of
droplets on the rooftops, those fluttering umbrellas,
thinking it was only distant birds and lonely
shadows resurfacing on the evening ink
hypnotizing pylons of the wooden bridge.

I have lost my caution
and I wrote a poem. Thrown in the wide-world
paper boat , floating in the brown waters
losing paper soldiers overboard like seeds
of hopeful and joyous tulip trees.

OK so I also put in some stanza breaks and a word here and there in order to stymie the "word wall" appearance and to do away with some punctuations. Maybe this is of some help

R

raj

7 years 1 month ago

I don't know how I missed

I don't know how I missed this one earlier but lucky to catch the next flight...by that I also mean the flight of your thoughts...pleasure read...
................................................................................................

R

raj

7 years 1 month ago

Thanks for the tip friend

Thanks for the tip friend IRiz. I shall keep it in mind
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