Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.
Aug 17, 2014
⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)
PARIAH
On some late nights when sleep won't come
I hear those restless rattling chains
from deep recesses I keep numb,
where the banned one still remains.
He's set loose only in my dreams
where his madnesses won't hurt anyone.
There he strikes and victim screams
and havoc reigns until he's done.
But there were also those real times
from my youth so long ago
when rage led to bloodshed, almost crimes
each time the monster was let go.
Both words and fists would go berserk
when temper took over my mind
and set me to my hurtful work
leaving pain and regrets strewn behind.
So shake your chains and grumble low
as I keep guard instead of sleep.
You'll never again be let go
from that safe and secure keep.
I hope.....
About This Poem
Style/Type: Structured: Western
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
China Blue
10 years 11 months ago
Stan
you were doing great until the I hope
that is an afterthought I understand but it throws all else off
scribbler
10 years 11 months ago
LOL
I started to leave it out then decided to leave it in then went back and forth about it. I know it looks an afterthought but that's because it Is and is meant to read as such. Leave it in...delete it....leave it in? I'm about as decisive as a politician lol. I appreciate you dropping by and I'll try to make up my mind soon...in? Out?.........stan
China Blue
10 years 11 months ago
Stan
and they say women can't make up their minds lol
scribbler
10 years 11 months ago
lol
I never say that! lol
Esker
10 years 11 months ago
inverse...
if you put the "I hope " line in before last line..it kinda works..just a thought..
scribbler
10 years 11 months ago
Hi
That might work but then it would not come across as an after thought would it? I can see right now that in order to keep that line it's gonna takes some thought. Where's the aspirin ? lol..........stan
Esker
10 years 11 months ago
so it would become the "thought" rather then..
after thoughts..wow .thats like old school..
i remember these in movie dialogues..
i like it! great commenting here..
scribbler
10 years 11 months ago
lol
It would be like Columbo saying "one more thing" Before he starts to walk off..........stan
Ian.T
10 years 11 months ago
Stan
A goodly piece of writing as usual, the addition of Hope at the end well to me it is not needed, May be a short line "believe me"
or a line with three words or so, much longer it needs another Stanza to support it.
I have always said that Hope is a negative thing, if that's all you have left then you have given in.
Can you see someone at the end of their tether sitting there crying with nothing left thinking "I Hope", yuck.
Pandora's box was really empty, just a quirk, to give many a straw to grasp at..
Have a great day out there both of you, go hug a tree for me,
Yours Ian.T
scribbler
10 years 11 months ago
hmmm.....
You Are aware that the monster is the protagonist's rage ? So in this case the hope that it's never again released is a good thing. But everybody so far is correct in their ideas that just those 2 words need support in this structured poem. So I'll need to either add another stanza of at least two rhyming lines (sonnet style) or incorporate the "I hope" into the existing final stanza. Appreciate your thoughts........stan
Esker
10 years 11 months ago
I like the use of "i hope"
loved colombo....he was way thinking....love intelligent people\
most people get caught up in hate or being a puppet to others and trip
on their string......
like the cliff hangers for radios and what advertisements do now all the time
and one of the reasons i hate television and the net although the net is now
all full of ads.....like billboards of the fifties.....all garish pop ups...
like your reasoning! and this poem! makes me want to pray for thankfulness
to my God for life and for poetic ability and reasoning to enjoy these works!
thank you!''
scribbler
10 years 4 months ago
Hi Esker
They say one should learn the rules so you know when to break them to good effect. And the end effect I sought is picturing the protagonist lying awake determined to never let his rage loose again.....but fearing he might. I think the "I hope" accomplishes this and the break in form makes the realization stronger. So after a bunch of reads and a good bit of thought, I'm going to leave the end as is......stan