Candlewitch

Jul 09, 2012 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

Parkinson's Abyss (eddy styx)original and revision

Parkinson's Abyss

stricken
by this hellish
affliction
their wounds know not
the cleansing of
bleeding
while time
ravages on
vile cruelty
of this
tiresome waiting game
takes its toll
on both
flesh and spirit

---------Anna's Revision Below----------

struck
by this hellish
affliction
their wounds know not
the cleansing
blood
of time

ravages a
vile cruelty

this
tiresome waiting game
takes its toll
on both
flesh and spirit

About This Poem

Last Few Words: this piece was written for two friends of mine, both suffering from Parkinson's Disease. thanks for reading, eddy styx (& cat) suggested revision by Kailashanna. Take your pick.

Style/Type: Free verse

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Northwestern Wisconsin USA, USA

Favorite Poets: Edgar Allan Poe, William Blake, Bob Dylan, Tom Petty, Carlos Castaneda, Jim Morrison, the whole of Neopoet and many more.

This user supports Neopoet so it can be free to all

Comments

Roscoe Lane

13 years ago

Wow,

What to say, sorry for your friends first off. Then this piece, It really is an unseen wound that blood can't gel, and time passes and it grips. With this i'd say you've done a wonderful job. Love Roscoe..

Candlewitch

13 years ago

Dear Roscoe,

Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this poem with me.

always, eddy (& cat)

Kailashana2

13 years ago

Hi, I think I know who they

Hi, I think I know who they are.

May I offer a couple of suggestions?

*Struck* is much more a powerful word to begin this poem with.

Also:

their wounds know not
the cleansing
blood
of time

(I think it's a bit more elegantly phrased)

ravages a
vile cruelty

this
tiresome waiting game
takes its toll
on both
flesh and spirit

~Anna

p.s. How are you doing, Hubby?

Candlewitch

13 years ago

hello Anna,

Thank you for your suggestions.

Steve is doing fine, working hard, but he is good.

always, eddy (& cat)

Rula

13 years ago

I sympathize

impressive words and form that go hand in hand.
Powerful words especially

their wounds know not
the cleansing of
bleeding
while time
ravages on
vile cruelty
of this
tiresome waiting game

thanks for the post dear Cat.

Candlewitch

13 years ago

Rula!!!

So pleasant to hear from you! Thabnk you for you comment!

always, eddy (& cat)

Ian.T

13 years ago

Anna

Eddy did a great job here taking away things and never asking for consent,
Creepy little creature lurking about stealing so much lol.
I am going to have a word with Mother Care and their contract department about him....
Sorry to hear that your friends have to go through so much I send them good thoughts of healing, Yours Ian.T

Candlewitch

13 years ago

Dearest Ian,

Thank you so very much for you consideration and generosity. I know your healing thoughts will be appreciated.

always, eddy (& cat)

lou

13 years ago

Cat

Hey ,

to me your version is a little raw, and that goes well with the theme.. Althoughh the word struck is a stronger word.

love

Lou

Candlewitch

13 years ago

Dear Lou,

Thanks for reading! And I do agree with the word "struck".

love, cat (& eddy)

Candlewitch

13 years ago

Dear Lonnie,

Thank you. I appreciate your reading and commenting in both forums. Your input is always welcome.

always, eddy (& cat)

Kailashana2

13 years ago

I put spaces between

I put spaces between paragraphs for emphasis. You removed them, Cat. That changed the poem.

But hey, it's your poem, and your idea. We can only offer suggestions. In any case, it's the thought that counts, eh?

Candlewitch

13 years ago

Dear Anna,

my fault... I was in a hurry and I always make mistakes when I rush. I hope I have fixed it. Thank you for pointing it out. I am always interested in your opinions.

always, eddy (& cat)

Kailashana2

13 years ago

No problemo, Cat I mean Eddy,

No problemo, Cat I mean Eddy, I mean Cat, this has been a good exercise for all of us. In another group I belong to the same two people make the same references to *experts* and how poems should be written according to their expeitise. It's so boring. Poem must come from the heart and with a little luck, perseverance, practice and dedication, we can and do *hit our stride*.