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Dec 05, 2015
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Peace, Denied
A single moment of peace broken,
left the people of Paris in tears.
Their hearts and souls were shaken,
stabbed by the blades of fear.
The muslims prayed for the departed
as residents lit the candles of mourning.
Anger and hate were regenerated
when the ignorants were speaking.
In a turmoil of rage and sorrow,
rationality died prematurely
when peace is denied tomorrow
by the rebirth of enmity.
The minds are blinded by fury,
peace was denied a second time.
The authors of this tragedy,
celebrating the extent of their crime.
They have denied our longing
for the reign of a lasting peace.
Must we aid their scheming,
allowing our unity to cease ?
About This Poem
Style/Type: Free verse
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
Geezer
9 years 7 months ago
As always...
your thirst for peace is shown in this poem, as it is in almost everything that you write. I saw the near misses of rhyme and wondered if it were intentional. I did spot a typo in that [extent] is the correct spelling and I just can't get used to the word [bliss]. Just me maybe, but it doesn't strike me as the right word for some reason. Maybe rewrite the last line to something else? Like:
Exploding our emotions?" Just a thought. ~ Gee
alidzain
9 years 7 months ago
gee
to be honest, I'm really poor at rhyming so near rhymes with the message intact is all I can do for now. I've edited the last line. Tell me what you think. Thanks for the visit, the read and comment.
By the way can we join together to make a poem on one of my hunters and killer's encounter? I'm thinking about the showdown but let's make both of them survive after a meeting by chance. What do you think?
Alid
Geezer
9 years 7 months ago
I like that line...
much better. I would add the word [our] to make the line read: [allowing our unity to cease ?].
I think that we could arrange for one of your hunters and Killer to meet and go on a mission together.
It might make an interesting story. We can think on what kind of mission to send them on. Maybe one to rescue some people? ~ Gee
alidzain
9 years 7 months ago
gee
that will be interesting but I don't know how to make them work together, only against each other, unless we have a villain that could pose a threat to both the hunters and killers, someone with power that will force it upon them. hmmm.. I need ideas. You, Carrie and Ian are the experts in the villain psycopath. Any ideas?
Alid
Geezer
9 years 7 months ago
How about...
a threat to innocent people? Like the terrorists in my last poem? ~ Gee
alidzain
9 years 7 months ago
gee
would you prefer that their meeeting to be a coincidence or a planned encounter. I'm thinking it like this. What if Killer served in the army and knows about the area of the terrorist attack and they were both caught in the middle of it all where innocents were held as hostages to be released only after the terrorist group leader was set free from prison? I want the terrorist group to be north korean elites who was sent to expand the reign of their country's leader. What do you think? Far-fetched? Make them running against time because the terrorists have planted bombs in the area and planned to ignite them once their leader was returned to them.
Alid
wesley snow
9 years 7 months ago
First,
I liked the random use of rhyme. I wasn't crazy about the meter all the time (yes, verso libre must have metrical rhythm or it's just prose).
The Elf is getting ready to launch a workshop on "rhyme". Check it out in a little bit.
... and... I live five minutes from San Bernardino.
alidzain
9 years 7 months ago
Wes
Thanks for the visit, the read and comment.
Alid