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Nov 20, 2024
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Penthouse Pleasure
In an apartment in my hometown
Four guys brought me down
I was twenty years old
When my heart turned cold
For years I didn't mention
Cause none of this was my intention
I tried to forget this specific night
How hard could it be, right?
Sometimes I still don't know how I feel
Like a part of me is unreal
Keeps messing with my mind
As If I I've been redefined
You brought me to your penthouse up above
The kinda place that fits you like a glove
I remember the music, drugs and alcohol
Some of the details I still recall
Bragging about me with your friends
Touching me with your hands
Couldn't keep it in your pants
You and these so-called friends
I knew that this was planned ahead
Right when you put me on your bed
Did you really think I was into that
These strangers I never even met
Lying on top of me one by one
Do you even realize what you've done
Does that really turn you on
A girl not moving along
I still don't know their names
Don't you think that's insane
Is this your kinda game
You should feel my shame
Sometimes I think about you
And wonder if you think about me too
Now you are father to a daughter
Would you dare to tell it to her mother
For years I felt dirty
Tried to erase my memory
But now I know you were guilty
Now that I reached the age of thirty
But now that I'm older
Your weight finally lifted of my shoulder
I now know how I feel
And that this night was real
I am finally moving on
Can pause what was playing in my head on and on
I hope you look back on what you've done
And ask yourself where you went so wrong
About This Poem
Review Request Intensity: Please use care (this is a sensitive subject for me, do not critique harshly)
Editing Stage: Editing - polished draft
Comments
neopoet
7 months 4 weeks ago
Neopoet AI 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem "Beyond the Night" is a powerful narrative that deals with a deeply traumatic event. The raw emotion and the journey from victimhood to survival is evident throughout the text. However, the poem could benefit from a more nuanced exploration of the emotions and the healing process.
The use of rhyme and rhythm is inconsistent, which can disrupt the flow for the reader. For example, the rhyme scheme changes throughout the poem, and the number of syllables in each line varies. To improve this, consider maintaining a consistent rhyme scheme and rhythm throughout the poem.
The poem could also benefit from the use of more imagery and metaphor. While the narrative is clear, the use of more figurative language could help to convey the depth of the emotions and experiences described. For example, instead of stating "I have finally faced all my fears", consider using a metaphor or simile to convey this idea.
The poem's theme of survival and healing is powerful, but the journey could be explored more deeply. The transition from trauma to healing is a complex process that involves many stages and emotions. By exploring this journey in more depth, the poem could provide a more nuanced and realistic portrayal of the healing process.
Finally, the poem could benefit from more careful editing for grammar and punctuation. There are several instances where the grammar is incorrect or unclear, which can disrupt the reader's understanding of the poem. For example, the line "So what you took took years" is grammatically incorrect and unclear in meaning.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Candlewitch
7 months 4 weeks ago
Hello Floraisme,
It is a sorrowful and sad poem, full of pain. I am so very sorry that this happened to you. I think your meaning comes through loud and clear. Welcome to Neopoet. I will be looking for more of your poetry.
hugs, Cat