02/26 New Member Contest

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A perfect day for a funeral

Sun won't shine that day
The birds will be silent
and all the words must stay unspoken.
Only tears and dry throats,
graveyard flowers in the hands of the bereaved.

Nothing more
nothing less.

The birds will remain silent.

The land will smell,
the smell of incense,
of old village cemetery,
the scent of rain and rotting leaves.

And when the silence overwhelm everything,
What a blissful peace it would be.

About This Poem

Style/Type: Free verse

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - polished draft

About the Author

Country/Region: SRB

Favorite Poets: Rabindranat Tagore, Jovan Dučić, Jesenjin, Desanka Maksimovic

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Comments

neopoet

2 months 2 weeks ago

Neopoet AI [2025-04]

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet’s AI:

This poem effectively conveys the somber atmosphere of a funeral day through its restrained and contemplative tone. The repetition of the birds' silence emphasizes the stillness and gravity of the moment, creating a strong auditory image that anchors the poem. The sensory details—the scent of incense, rain, and rotting leaves—add depth, evoking a vivid setting that complements the emotional weight.

However, some lines could benefit from tightening to enhance impact. For example, "and all the words must stay unspoken" might be more powerful if rephrased to avoid the modal "must," which can feel prescriptive rather than evocative. Consider exploring more subtle or metaphorical ways to express silence or restraint. Additionally, the phrase "Only tears and dry throats" juxtaposes physical reactions but could be expanded or clarified to deepen emotional resonance.

The closing lines introduce the idea of silence as "blissful peace," which is a compelling contrast to the earlier somber mood. To strengthen this conclusion, the poem might explore this paradox more fully, perhaps by incorporating imagery or language that bridges grief and peace.

Overall, the poem's simplicity suits its theme, but refining certain phrases and expanding on the emotional complexity could enhance its expressive power.

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