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Jan 26, 2015
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Petrarchan Sonnet Workshop
(for Eric Christopher Crawford, R.I.P. my friend)
There is a breath to live; a breath to die.
Your last exhaled beneath a killing moon;
a drawn and gasped a hundred years too soon
as we invent a god to question why.
All dressed in paint and Sunday's best, you lie,
another victim to that cancer goon;
another saint amidst a bag pipe tune.
What reason is there, that I cannot cry?
At last your clouds let down their final rains
and move along to other souls in need
a hole is filled with your very remains
to quench a god that's gone crazy with greed
and leaves nothing but bones and concrete stains
for generations gone to come and read.
About This Poem
Last Few Words: This is my first attempt at a sonnet. It does not feel write in many ways. Look forward to input.
Style/Type: Structured: Eastern
Review Request Direction:
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
Rula
10 years 5 months ago
Hello Scott
Sorry for being late, but was really exahusted last night, so I feared that I wouldn't give fair attention to your profound sonnet.
Here we are
I thought the rhyme scheme is perfect in both the octave and the sestet. BRAVO
As for the theme...It seems to be close to your heart, so it is again emotional and sincere ...WELL DONE!
Now the meter...
I have problem ONLY with the following lines if you can see what I mean
a HOLE| is FILLED| with your |VEry| reMAINS
to QUENCH |a GOD | that's GONE | CRAzy | with GREED
and LEAVES |noTHING | but BONES |and con |CRETE stains
And the volta, though there is a turning in the sestet, I thought it came late, not in line 9 where it should be. Maybe I am not spot on on this so let's see what others think
All in all, as a first attempt I am really happy with the effort and I know you could easily amend those lines to meet the strict form of the sonnet
Kudos Scott!!
eightmenout
10 years 5 months ago
Rula
Thank you for the detailed critique. As always, It is appreciated.
I agree with you (and the others) that the Volta is weak. This particular type of poem cuts across my grain as I usually end with the question. I will see what I can do about that. It may need to be a different poem.
I agree with the meter issues except for con/Crete. It is pronounced with the emphasis on 'con.
Thank you for your time. Enjoying the workshop
mand
10 years 5 months ago
Scott
You have a real talent for writing sonnets! :)
Great poem - keep um comin!
LOve Mand xxxx
eightmenout
10 years 5 months ago
Mand
Thank you for the encouraging words. This was just my first attempt (except maybe one in high school) and it seems I have yet a ways to go to master this form.
Appreciate you taking the time to leave your kind words.
judyanne
10 years 5 months ago
a beautiful tribute Scott
and would normally be left be, if not striving for sonnet verse, as it reads really smoothly anyway
but you have feet of anapaest and trochee and even some spondee and pyrrhic
I have parsed it for you – hope it helps
there is |a BREATH | to LIVE | a BREATH | to DIE.
your LAST | ex - HALED | be -NEATH |a KILL | -ing MOON;
a DRAWN | and GASPED | a HUND | -red YEARS | too SOON
as we | inVENT | a GOD | to QUEST | -ion WHY.
all DRESSED | in PAINT | and SUN | -day's BEST | you LIE,
a –NOTH | -er VICT | -im to | that CAN | -cer GOON;
a –NOTH | -er SAINT | a -MIDST | a BAG | pipe TUNE.
what REA | -son is | there that | i CAN | -not CRY?
at LAST | your CLOUDS | let DOWN | their FIN | -al RAINS
and MOVE | a –LONG | to OTH | er SOULS| in NEED
a HOLE | is FILLED | with your | VER –y | re -MAINS
to QUENCH | a GOD | that's GONE | CRAZ -y | with GREED
and LEAVES | NO –thing | but BONES | and CON | -crete STAINS
for GEN | er -A | -tions GONE | to COME | and READ.
along with Rula - I'm not sure where your volta begins... it is a little weak perhaps, as the sextet seems to just continue on with the thoughts of the first two stanzas - but then again, I might be missing something ....
as I said – a beautiful tribute, i like it very much
great word usage
love judy
xxx
eightmenout
10 years 5 months ago
Judy
Thank you for the time to you spent with the poem. Glad you enjoyed it. I will look into the meter problems, but as I mentioned to Rula, I may need to write another poem.
Also, thank you for the encouraging words. I am glad that you enjoyed the poem.
judyanne
10 years 5 months ago
the meter is an easy fix Scott
take stanza 1 - in 2 seconds i have changed
there is |a BREATH | to LIVE | a BREATH | to DIE.
your LAST | ex - HALED | be -NEATH |a KILL | -ing MOON;
a DRAWN | and GASPED | a HUND | -red YEARS | too SOON
as we | inVENT | a GOD | to QUEST | -ion WHY.
to
there BE |a BREATH | to LIVE | a BREATH | to DIE.
your LAST | ex - HALED | be -NEATH |a KILL | -ing MOON;
a DRAWN | and GASPED | a HUND | -red YEARS | too SOON
in - VENT | -ing GOD | for US | to QUEST | -ion WHY.
truly - there is very little work left here to get it to iambic pentameter - don't worry about the volta - that's secondary for this moment of the WS, I would think, important though is is....
love judy
xxx
eightmenout
10 years 5 months ago
I agree. I was more concerned
I agree. I was more concerned with the Volta as it is definitely something I will need to work at.
Rula
10 years 5 months ago
"Another"
is a three syllable word.
Not sure how Scott pronounces it but it is of three syllables with three vowel sounds.
So
a NOTH/er VI/ctim to/ that CAN /cer GOON;
aNOTH/er SAINT/ aMIDST/ a BAG/PIPE TUNE (I can't see much problem here as the "b" and "p" sound are too close to each other).... IMO
judyanne
10 years 5 months ago
yes rula
I have corrected that verse's parse
parsing a whole poem on my tablet - lol - no cut and paste - bound to make a couple of errors
(I did have it correct in the first 'another')
Re the bag pipes my oversight .... you are correct -it is un stressed
I have also corrected that verse
xxx
Rula
10 years 5 months ago
Scott
I believe you can give the volta another visit especially after sir Wesley's last lesson about its structure and its whole purpose of it, though as it is a tribute to such a dear friend... difficult?
A new sonnet maybe? Just thought maybe :)
eightmenout
10 years 5 months ago
Rula
I may need a separate poem as I am not sure I can truly convey the volta in this one.
alidzain
10 years 5 months ago
Hi Scot
love this emotional piece. Unforunately my knowledge on the sonnet is lacking so I can't comment much.
Alid
eightmenout
10 years 5 months ago
Alid
No worries. That's why we are here working on this form. I have made some obvious mistakes myself. You need to jump into the shark pool. The water is just fine.
Glad you enjoyed the poem.
alidzain
10 years 4 months ago
lol
done that.
Alid
wesley snow
10 years 5 months ago
Nothing left to say,
except I liked the poem even though it got tore apart a little bit (I'm afraid I agree with the comments).
eightmenout
10 years 5 months ago
Wes
Glad you enjoyed the poem. Sorry my attempt wasn't a bit stronger. But you know I will probably come back with something stronger. Thanks for what you do.
scribbler
10 years 5 months ago
shit
I can't read this right now. I just found out a minute ago that my best friend has what is likely terminal cancer. sorry...............
eightmenout
10 years 5 months ago
Stan
Sorry to hear about your friend. Hope the prognosis isn't true.
Thanks,
wesley snow
10 years 4 months ago
I'll pray for you Stan.
That always helps.
As for you Scott... I'm late, but here. I was rushed before, but not now.
I didn't have a problem with the volta. It was subtle, but clear. I tend to want to get hit by a sledgehammer, but that's me.
Now, my problem lies in the meter. The last two tercets have issues as to iambic pentameter which the poem is all about in form.
The first lines are fine and then: a hole / is filled / with your / ve-ry / re-mains
"Very" is pronounced with the first syllable accented. Your line forces it otherwise. There are others in the envoy that you can find on your own I'm sure. If you want help I'm here. It what I do.
eightmenout
10 years 4 months ago
Sir
This is exactly what I thought you would say the first time around. Appreciate you dropping back by
Thanks
wesley snow
10 years 4 months ago
I'm dull that way.
.
scribbler
10 years 4 months ago
Hello
I am so poor at writing sonnets as far as meter goes, that all I can say is this beats mine black and blue and the volta was clear enough to me........stan
eightmenout
10 years 4 months ago
Thanks, Stan
Appreciate it.