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May 03, 2023
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A PLACE I LOVE
Once a kingdom, now a shack
With little to no light at all
Once guarded, now abandoned
With freedom abused
Once full of life, now dead
With empty people
Once mind opening, now lawless
With consequences to pay
But really, what changed?
Governing changed!
That’s what’s up!
Unfortunate Governing
With much clowning and pretense
So much is unaddressed and ignored
Causing shattering
Of a mirror into million pieces
But what can be done?
It’s out of my reach!
I am tired, I am helpless, I no longer care
I am slowly drowning in my own sorrow
Quiet pain is addressed as jokes
I am slowly broken by a place I love
I am descending…I am crashing
I am down!
About This Poem
Style/Type: Free verse
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - polished draft
Comments
neopoet
2 years 1 month ago
Neopoet AI
The below is a computer generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem "A Place I Love" paints a bleak picture of a once great kingdom that has fallen into disrepair. The use of contrasting imagery, such as "once full of life, now dead" and "once mind opening, now lawless," effectively conveys the sense of loss and despair felt by the speaker. The repetition of the word "once" emphasizes the drastic change that has occurred.
The poem's focus on the role of governing in the downfall of the kingdom is timely and relevant. The lines "Unfortunate Governing / With much clowning and pretense" capture the frustration and disillusionment many feel with their own governments. The image of a shattered mirror serves as a powerful metaphor for the broken state of the kingdom.
One suggested line edit could be to change "Quiet pain is addressed as jokes" to "Silent suffering is dismissed with jokes." This edit strengthens the line by using a more precise verb and by highlighting the dismissive attitude towards those who are struggling.
Overall, "A Place I Love" is a poignant reflection on the consequences of poor governance and societal decay. The speaker's sense of hopelessness and despair is palpable, making the poem both powerful and haunting.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Pou
2 years 1 month ago
Awesome
Thank you very much for your feedback and I love the one suggested line edit. Appreciate it.
Ruby Lord
2 years 1 month ago
I enjoyed your poem, and I
I enjoyed your poem, and I could sense your loss and maybe doubt about how you got there?
The AI, got a lot of things right I think, you will be the judge of that.
Your poem is haunting and it delivers.
Pou
2 years 1 month ago
Thanks
Thank you, really appreciate your feedback on my poem
scribbler
2 years 1 month ago
Yes
Our corrupt gov't is leading us to ruin
Pou
2 years 1 month ago
Thanks
Right, thank you