swamp-witch

Mar 22, 2014 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

Plaintive

a barrage of rain pours
melancholy onto rooftops,
filling my heart to capacity
with stagnant pools of alienation

I wish I had someone to hold me
in weather like this
as the trite emotion in my gut
reminds me that I am no different
than any other sentimental human being

but the loneliness at the brim of
my heart will never spill over
and the rain will stop pouring
but I will still be here
loveless

About This Poem

Last Few Words: Thanks for all the ideas for revision everyone! I just read this poem, prior to the revisions, I'm afraid, in this video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S18gB_9QleM Changed the title. The thunderstorm name feels like too much.

Style/Type: Free verse

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Swampland by the sea, North Carolina

This user supports Neopoet so it can be free to all

Comments

Rula

11 years 3 months ago

Hello Swamp-witch :))

Happy to see you active again. Sorry to see no comments yet on your work and others'. Guess most are busy with Stan's workshop..

I love this. It reminds me of an Arabic song by Fayrooze. A very popular singer.
Here is a link...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wt2aLC7_Zyw

I love the language usage and the extended metaphor used.
I especially like the last stanza, but not sure of " be loveless" last line. I feel it needs to be tweaked but that only me.
As for the title, maybe something like "Alone Under Rain"... just thoughts.
Well done!

swamp-witch

11 years 3 months ago

Rula,

Thank you so much for the comment. I am listening the the song from Fayrooz now and it's absolutely beautiful. I will definitely be exploring more of her music!

I am not sure how I feel about the last line either. When I wrote the poem (it is about one year old) I really liked the last line, but now I'm not so sure. I will work on it!

As for the title, I am thinking of combining your and Ian's suggestions to something like "Under Storm" or "Loneliness' Storm". What do you think of those?

Thanks again and I hope you're doing well.

Rula

11 years 3 months ago

Hello witchy

another option if you like to consider "raining loneliness"
just come to me.
Good night dear.

raj

11 years 3 months ago

The melancholic mood flows

The melancholic mood flows through and through in this poem...it being a rough draft I will visit again to see how you tweak it up.....

Regards,

swamp-witch

11 years 3 months ago

Thank you Raj,

I hope I will be able to dedicate some time to this poem over the weekend.

Ian.T

11 years 3 months ago

Witchety Do Da

I love this piece though the feelings behind it are of a lonely lost soul that only has to look inside to see that beauty,
Just "Storm" would do for the title, the emotion is showing,
You take care and know that we are always here just a tap of the keys away, Yours Ian.T

swamp-witch

11 years 3 months ago

Ian,

Thank you so much for coming by and for the title idea. Like I told Rula, I am thinking of combining your suggestions and hers because I like them both.

Ian.T

11 years 3 months ago

Witchita

For your combination title, it sounds good and reflects the theme of your write, You go well and take care of you also know that you are in our thoughts always,
Yours Ian & the children

scribbler

8 years 3 months ago

Hmmm......

Imagine Me giving ideas on free verse lol. But here goes anyway lol. First stanza change pouring to pours and fills to filling.Don't know why, just seems better.Last stanza change loneliness to isolation to avoid repeat. Put last two lines in their own stanza and condense them....maybe
I will still be here
Loveless.

This might add impact. Hope this helps a bit.............stan

swamp-witch

8 years 3 months ago

Stan,

Thanks so much for the great suggestions. I will work on it!

Kelsey