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alidzain
alidzain
Sep 03, 2014 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)
This poem is part of the workshop:

Storytelling in Verse: Dramatic Verse.

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POISON (Storytelling In Verse: Dramatic Verse)

I spit on the nerve of scums
who dare to dictate my life
when their hearts are lacking,
the strong will to strive.

Do they think I dance in the ring for fun
when I'm carving a future for my son?

I wish their prattle will cease
before they unleash the beast
and find my fist kissing their cheeks,
turning them into bleeding freaks.
,
I don't throw away a chance for victory.
I don't kiss anyone's ass.
I earned my dollars and pennies
I've shed my sweat
to be the best!

They are trapped in self -denial, ,
failing to name the poison
wrapping their hearts
in frustration and self-pity
and making them restless
when they witness
my achievements,
and feel like
worthless outcasts.

They cannot bear them
so they try to
undermine them
with cruel words.

but I didn't steal
the shiny belt I'm wearing
and I've worked hard for
the title I am carrying,

If only they can name the poison,
and seek self betterment
they'll find success in their own way.
and be freed from their mental prison
but jealousy can rob even the wisest man of his wits
and turn him into a hopeless dimwit!

About This Poem

Style/Type: Free verse

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - draft

About the Author

Region, Country: singapore, SGP

Favorite Poets: Emily Dickinson, Robert Frost, Sarojini Naidu and friends in Neopoet.

More from this author

Comments

S

swikmiller

10 years 10 months ago

poison

so heart-felt is this poem. in editing, the first recommend would be to bring everything to present tense or a gerund. The internal logic depends on that consistency. Your pronoun references are sometimes confusing. enjoyed. g.m.

alidzain

alidzain

10 years 10 months ago

Hi there!

thank you for the visit and the feedback. I've done some edits and hope that this one sounds better.

Alid

alidzain

alidzain

10 years 10 months ago

hi loved

done the edits. What do you think?

Alid

Ian.T

Ian.T

10 years 9 months ago

Alid

This would be a good piece for Wesley's workshop.
Just the word CRUEL needs that "E" to make it real..
Take care a very good write here,
Yours Ian.T

alidzain

alidzain

10 years 9 months ago

lol

Thanks, Ian. Dunno how I can missed that. The mind spells correctly but the fingers type wrongly.

Ald

Ian.T

Ian.T

10 years 9 months ago

Alid

You now have the monologue, for the introduction of the person sitting there as I have done.
Now we have to make it into a play by either sticking to the solitary person or bringing in others as a stage set to bear the brittle talk and temper of the one who is speaking here.
Picture as mine an old man beginning to rant at those who have mistreated him at sometime, now I can go two or more ways haven't thought about it yet, to go out and take revenge on the ones that have made me mad, or have them talk as they visit me one by one spilling my thoughts at them and hearing their answers.
We will see as each story set evolves, it will take at least another few scenes on the stage to show the outcome of the man sat there thinking, if you understand what I am driving toward for yours or mine..
Take care and good luck, Yours Ian.T
PS:- It will be interesting to se where we go from here, after you Alid, once I know which way you are going I will write my next scene, lol..

Ian.T

Ian.T

10 years 9 months ago

Alid

You now have the monologue, for the introduction of the person sitting there as I have done.
Now we have to make it into a play by either sticking to the solitary person or bringing in others as a stage set to bear the brittle talk and temper of the one who is speaking here.
Picture as mine an old man beginning to rant at those who have mistreated him at sometime, now I can go two or more ways haven't thought about it yet, to go out and take revenge on the ones that have made me mad, or have them talk as they visit me one by one spilling my thoughts at them and hearing their answers.
We will see as each story set evolves, it will take at least another few scenes on the stage to show the outcome of the man sat there thinking, if you understand what I am driving toward for yours or mine..
Take care and good luck, Yours Ian.T
PS:- It will be interesting to se where we go from here, after you Alid, once I know which way you are going I will write my next scene, lol..

R

raj

10 years 9 months ago

Alid

Good monologues as Part I of Wesley's Workshop. I will look forward to Part II which I learn would dwell on the drama.

Best wishes,

wesley snow

wesley snow

10 years 9 months ago

First of all (and keep in mind I'm to be more critical)...

This is a good "poem". What I miss is a distinct character. This is the voice of the poet. Technically there are no flaws. It is a single voice speaking in the first person on a given subject (which by the way is a powerful one).
But there is no unique personality. It is Alid. If you read Loved's contribution you will notice she uses a language NEVER employed by her in any of her poems. It is a separate voice. Someone else other than the poet is speaking.
Without this separation of voices I fear you waste the form. The poem is good and certainly dramatic verse, but I would have liked to hear someone other than you speaking.
Does this make sense? I like the poem, but miss the "drama".

alidzain

alidzain

10 years 9 months ago

Hi Sir

I think I understand. You want me to write as a first person but with different character. This is where I will need some suggestions and help. Let me think about it first. If I really can't, then I'll ask for help.

Alid

lovedly

lovedly

10 years 9 months ago

grateful for the mention-- anonymoity takes no notice of gender

'''......If you read Loved's contribution you will notice....
she?????
uses a language
NEVER employed by
her.... in any of.... her.... poems. ....

It is a separate voice. Someone else other than the poet is speaking.....''' remarkable no!..

an anonymous actor of poetry
can compose in any form
irrespective of gender..

Like HG WELLS
Hope U KNOW
who?

now take the cue
will Alid you
spring from the springboard of time
and let all feel and know
u alone have sprung
and now spring
dear alidzaan

as an after thought
has any one here read
MACBETH ?
I perhaps was then the apparition
if in rebirth
u r to believe in

some day all will

Barbara Writes

Barbara Writes

10 years 9 months ago

I had Macbeth in my senior yr

I loved it so much. I got all "A" if storytelling is to be like Macbeth I think with some meditation I'll get this storytelling, dramatic verse, first person in a voice not my own. This aged sponge I have for a brain is softening. .

lovedly

lovedly

10 years 9 months ago

in my seniors

I re-produced the whole of Macbeth
they gave me laurels
that's how i became
a poet

Barbara Writes

Barbara Writes

10 years 9 months ago

Loved

That's wonderful. I had to understand and explain plot. Even Remeo and Juliet was I did well but Macbeth has more of a lasting affect on.

mand

mand

10 years 9 months ago

Alid

You can do it! xxx :)

S

scribbler

10 years 9 months ago

Hi Alid

I would suggest assuming an identity that's a long way from your own then speak through the mouth belonging to it........stan BTW, I thought Wes was wanting rhyming poems?..........stan

Barbara Writes

Barbara Writes

10 years 9 months ago

Stan

This suggestion you gave Alid has made me more aware. Assuming a different identity. Sound easy enough but remains to be seen in me lol I will get this.

alidzain

alidzain

10 years 9 months ago

Stan

I think my problem here is assuming another's identity AND try to stay true to the theme. Any ideas?Really can't figure it out.

Alid

S

scribbler

10 years 9 months ago

well

that should make thing much easier for a lot of folks lol...stan

alidzain

alidzain

10 years 9 months ago

Hi everyone!

I've followed Wes's advice and tweaked the poem so that I am writing as a boxer. Tell me what you think?

Alid

mand

mand

10 years 9 months ago

See!

I knew you could do it! :) xxxx

Rula

Rula

10 years 9 months ago

Salam Khalid

Sorry for being late to yours ( am I over apologizing these days?) :)
Reading this, I imagined myself in one of the WWWE's shows.
It is definitely not Khalid's voice. I am not sure what is Wesley going to say about it, but I believe it is never easy to talk someone's else's voice, no matter how close to him/her.

For me and you, being unable to use a non-formal dialect makes it yet a bit harder.
Well done here!!

Ps. Last line "turns"..."turn"?

alidzain

alidzain

10 years 9 months ago

Salaam, Rula

the last line "turns". T he way i see it, jealousy is a singular emotion and it can still turns people into dimwits. lol.

Alid

Rula

Rula

10 years 9 months ago

Salam Khalid

"jealousy can rob even the wisest man of his wits
and turns him into a hopeless dimwit!"

Jealousy CAN "rob"............and "turn"........

The presence of and tells you should keep the infinitive, No "S"
can rob and can turn, unless I am missing somehting.

wesley snow

wesley snow

10 years 9 months ago

A voice.

Singular and not that of the poet.
I told you it was easier than you thought.
Excellent soliloquy.

alidzain

alidzain

10 years 9 months ago

Hi Scott

Thanks for the visit and comments.

Alid