Candlewitch

May 02, 2012 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

Precipice (edited)

Precipice

Frantic

on the verge
of the ultimate
precipice
imprudently looking down
as a toe dangles
to take the last step
into the yawning maw
of insanity's plunge

decision's brink

to stay holding
to safety's line
clinging to life
out on an emotional limb
fighting for a breath
of enlightenment
to make sense
of the mysterious puzzle
growing ever larger
with complicated
life...

or to find
the freedom
of simply
letting go...

About This Poem

Last Few Words: spelling corrected, lol.

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Northwestern Wisconsin USA, USA

Favorite Poets: Edgar Allan Poe, William Blake, Bob Dylan, Tom Petty, Carlos Castaneda, Jim Morrison, the whole of Neopoet and many more.

This user supports Neopoet so it can be free to all

Comments

Nordic cloud

13 years 2 months ago

It needs a bit of tweaking

It needs a bit of tweaking Cat, The idea is in some ways a simple one, and therefore it has to be well expressed.

"looking dangerously down" how do you look dangerously? This is what I mean some of the ideas put slightly differently will bring it all together.

Somehow the ultimate precipice I think should be on one line it doesn't add to it to be otherwise.

A toe dangles
the last step

Th plunge of insanity, insanity is then the last word on that line which stays with one.

"or to find
freedom" I feel you need 'the freedom' given the context.

Oh I have put a lot of clumsy thoughts here, I apologise, but do feel it needs some work.

Yours Ann.

Candlewitch

13 years 2 months ago

Thank you, dear Ann,

I see what you mean about the word "dangerously". Thanks for reading and making suggestions!

always, Cat

Bonitaj

13 years 2 months ago

Cat!

I do like the racey-ness of it - from conception to completetion. It may well need a bit of tweaking but the only specific recommendation I have, is that you include the definative noun "THE" as a precursor to "FREEDOM" .
I am hanging on that precipice with you, waiting to see if there will be any changed "outcomes" ;)
Regards
Boni

Candlewitch

13 years 2 months ago

Noun Added...

Thanks, Boni!

always, Cat

Candlewitch

13 years 2 months ago

Thanks, Mark,

Always glad to have you reading and commenting on my works!

always, Cat

Candlewitch

13 years 2 months ago

Thanks Lonnie,

I greatly appreciate your comments in both forums. Your opinion is valued.

always, Cat

loved

13 years 2 months ago

I just fell from a precipice.... though not too high...

I just fell from a precipice.... though not too high...
fell on the back of my flat head ...
heavens saved me
you want to know why?
coz I have yet to compose poems
without a score
and
many will learn from me .....all the more

Two things in life are for certain

CALAMITY

and

OPPORTUNITY

always come unannounced

Curtain!