Hooded Stranger

Feb 15, 2011 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

Profanity

You scream out your blackened lungs at me
Spitting toxic saliva across the room
Your voice amplifies as utter rage takes a hold
You wait for a reaction, but my facade is stone cold

Why you so angry and out of control?
Have my actions finally taken their toll?
I stand firm against your abuse
Your outburst has no excuse

Your use of profanity
Tries to break my sanity
But I am stronger than you think
Your evil words will not bring me to the brink

Your use of profanity
Will not break my sanity
I will attack you with my silence
Breaking your shallow attempt of vocal violence

You bellow words from your mephitic mouth
Venomous spittle flies across the room
Your yells increase as madness takes hold
You pause for reaction, but I stand upright and bold

Why you so angry and out of control?
Have my actions finally taken their toll?
I stand firm against your abuse
Your outburst has no excuse

About This Poem

Style/Type: Structured: Western

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: West England, GBR

Favorite Poets: Sylvia Plath (poet), Caitlin Mattison/Eddy Styx (poet 'candlewitch'), Enda Collins (poet 'ziggy'), Martin Gore (lyricist for Depeche Mode), Neil Tennant (lyricist for Pet Shop Boys), Stefan Großmann (lyricist for Absurd Minds), Lemmy Kilmister (lyricist for Motörhead), Nathan Reiner (lyricist for Third Realm), Wayne Hussey (lyricist for The Mission), Leonard Cohen (lyricist), Tom Shear (lyricist for Assemblage 23), Clint Carney (lyricist for System Syn & Fake), Ronan Harris (lyricist for VNV Nation), Aaron Lewis (lyricist for Staind), Jason Charles Miller (lyricist for Godhead), Torben Wendt (lyricist for Diorama), Adrian Hates (lyricist for Diary Of Dreams)

Comments

DawningDaytripper

14 years 5 months ago

Howdy stranger, hehehee..

I have lived one of these moments, very good impact. I have one suggestion, for sentance flow.
the line
"Why you so angry and out of control"
In my opinion would sound and flow better as
Why are you so angry and out of control

Just a thought. Still very impactful in its nature and meaning.

Hooded Stranger

14 years 5 months ago

DD

DD,

thank you for reading and commenting.

I have every intention of making this a song, so although your suggestion is 100% correct for the flow, it was the syllable count I was working with.

My version isn't 'good' English, but I can get away with that in a song...just don't tell anybody!

This lyric ran away with me and became much angrier than I wanted...but once finished I liked the result.

Thanks for your 'correct' suggestion...which I will hang onto, as sometimes when it comes down to recording, it may just sound better with the extra word in it.

kind regards,

lou

14 years 5 months ago

Dan

You know what I think of this one , but just had to stop by and have another read. Another classic fuck you poem.

lou

Hooded Stranger

14 years 5 months ago

Lou

Lou,

not sure what happened but I did respond to this and it is nowhere to be found!

Yes, I must thank you for the suggestions and feedback you gave me before this was posted. Your input was most valuable and helped turn it from a mess or words into something more structured.

cheers,

lou

14 years 5 months ago

Dan

You're more than welcome.

Anthing for a mate.

lou

Kailashana2

14 years 5 months ago

Some thoughts.... I have to

Some thoughts.... I have to look up mephitic now. lol.

You scream blackened lungs
Spit saliva across the toxic room
Your voice amplifies: utter rage takes a hold
You wait for a reaction, but my facade is stone cold

Why you so angry and out of control?
Have my actions finally taken their toll?
I stand firm against your abuse
Your outburst has no excuse

Your use of profanity
Tries to break my sanity
But I am stronger than you think
Words will not bring me to the brink

Your use of profanity
Will not break my sanity
I will attack you with my silence
Break your shallow attempt at vocal violence

You bellow words from your mephitic mouth
Venomous spittle flies across the room
Your yells increase as madness takes hold
You pause for a reaction, but I still stand bold

Why you so angry and out of control?
Have my actions finally taken their toll?
I stand firm against your abuse
Your outburst has no excuse

Hooded Stranger

14 years 5 months ago

Anna

Anna,

the changes in the re-write you've written to demonstrate the way it could be improved has given me a lot of food for thought.

I will wait a little longer for other suggestions and then look at the write again. I have to say though, your suggestions make perfect sense. They seem to tighten it up, without losing the original feel.

Many thanks,

Candlewitch

14 years 5 months ago

Dear Dan,

You've rhymed most of your lines in couples (I think it is called AB AB but I could be wrong) except for these lines:

You scream out your blackened lungs at me
Spitting toxic saliva across the room

Maybe the second line could be something like: Spitting toxic saliva by decree

and:

You bellow words from your mephitic mouth
Venomous spittle flies across the room

Perhaps use the word "house" for "room" I know it doesn't quite rhyme but it is closer. Or maybe "maw" instead of mouth and maybe something like: "You think to change nature's very law" for the second line?

I really like this piece. I describes well how I have felt sometimes when having to listen as, a kid, to religious dogma from my grandmother who was a religious fanatic. I had to live with her from age seven to eight. And take a year of Church School. I flunked! LOL!

love, Cat

Hooded Stranger

14 years 5 months ago

Cat

Cat,

the rhyme sequence is deliberate.

The first and fifth stanza's are the verses, where only the last two lines rhyme.

The second and sixth stanza's are to be 'bridges' where they use the AA BB rhyming sequence.

The third and fourth stanza's are the chorus which also have the AA BB rhyming sequence. This said, I am beginning to think the chorus sections should have an alternative rhyming sequence.

You have me in a dilema now, because your suggestions to rhyme the first and fifth stanza's into AA BB are really good!

Anna has made some alternative suggestions too, so I have a lot of work to do...which is actually fantastic, afterall, I want this to be good enough to be released as a song.

Thanks for the comment and suggestions...and the headache I have with the rhyming dilema!! LOL!

Candlewitch

14 years 5 months ago

Dear Dan,

Sorry to have caused headaches, but glad to be of service in a helpful fashion. I'm sure you will get it solved in your own creative way.

love, Cat

Hooded Stranger

14 years 5 months ago

Cat

Cat,

it is good to get so many new ideas with this one. Plenty to do, but what a great challenge.

I'll forgive you for the headache!! Lol!

regards,

Hooded Stranger

14 years 5 months ago

Rosina

Rosina,

I think with this piece, it has gone beyond wanting an apology...this is the next step, defiant and silent.

Do you have any suggestions from a critique point of view to improve this piece?

regards,

Hooded Stranger

14 years 5 months ago

Rosina

Rosina,

this suggestion was raised by Dawning Daytripper (1st comment) and although you are correct about the missing word and my version not quite being 'perfect' English...it was deliberate as I was working to a tight tempo and syllable count and the extra word being added in would have messed that up.

I may put the word back in when we record it if it fits, but it is not always clear until I stand in the studio and record properly.

Thanks,

ziggy

14 years 5 months ago

defiant and silent ,,,,,,,,

defiant and silent ,,,,,,,,,you said it all there hood
this as a song I would love to hear, I'm late but I
did see this one I think , I must post my one soon hey ,,,,,,,,
fav lines "You scream out your blackened lungs at me
Spitting toxic saliva across the room
Your voice amplifies as utter rage takes a hold
You wait for a reaction, but my facade is stone cold",,,,,,,,,,,,zigs

Hooded Stranger

14 years 5 months ago

Zigs

Zigs,

you have seen this one previously.

I can't wait to record this one...but I am holding back for now as I have had some good suggestions which I need to address before setting off for the studio.

Cheers mate,

Pamela A. Lamppa

14 years 3 months ago

I would love to hear it read by the author.

And here it is!

When read aloud the rhythm and beat are simply beautiful. Record this. I would love to hear it read by the author.

An intimate and telling work that festers on the edge of making personal progress against a tyrant. There are times when the best move is simply silence. Sometimes it can infuriate but other times it can add that moment of quiet to quiet the madness.

Only place I fell a bit out of synch was S6 last two lines. I might make "a hold" simply "hold" and "a reaction" simply "reaction".

Just a thought.

All in all - RECORD this! I would love to hear it read by the author. Well done. ~Pamela
. .
.

Hooded Stranger

14 years 3 months ago

Pamela

Pamela,

apologies for not responding sooner, been busy with workshop stuff.

This is written strictly for song. It was written with a tempo playing in the background and I took close attention to syllables and word pronounciation.

It will be recorded as a song, but I may, since you asked, record a spoken word version. If I do I will let know.

Silence is a great form of attack...although putting it into practice is not as easy as it first seems, especially when you just want to scream and shout.

Dropping the 'a' from 'hold' & 'reaction' doesn't affect the tempo or flow and works for me - I will make those changes - thanks.

I really appreciate you taking time to read and comment on this piece and I can't wait to record it and share it with you.

kind regards,

Pamela A. Lamppa

14 years 3 months ago

Thank you

I will wait for the opportunity to listen.
Thank you so much. ~Pamela

Hooded Stranger

14 years 3 months ago

Lonnie

Lonnie,

I have no idea if you are making fun of it or not...but I like you so I'll assume you love it big time!!

This isn't done in rap style...but having re-read it after your comment...I could rap it!

Lol!

Hooded Stranger

14 years 3 months ago

Joe

Joe,

glad you liked this one, I hope to send you a CD soon with this one on it.

The tone of the vocal will be angry and then a harsh whisper for the chorus to emphasise the 'silence'.

Thanks for commenting my friend,

Race_9togo

14 years 3 months ago

Dan

I was stuck on the "you"/"you are" thing, until I realised this is lyrics, and the light bulb went off!
Good stuff, Joe's right, the cadence and pace enhance the anger of this write.

scribbler

14 years 3 months ago

hello

controlled anger is the most devastating kind. Remind me to not piss you off lol...........stan

Hooded Stranger

14 years 3 months ago

Stan

Stan,

I wish I was better at using silence.

You piss me off?...you don't have a wicked bone in your body, so i doubt you'll piss me off!

Lol!

Hooded Stranger

14 years 3 months ago

Jim

Jim,

this was written as a song with the idea of playing it live. I would be gesticulating at the crowd as i sing/chant/scream or whisper the 'You' & 'You are'. The crowds at gothic shows love the interaction of the singer portraying his anger and frustration at the crowd. With the dry ice, thumping bass and swirling lights, the crowd really get into it...I should know I have been in the crowd many times and know what it feels like. You just don't get that level of passion and atmosphere at a Leonard Cohen gig!! Lol!...but he sings much better than me and his lyrics make mine feel somewhat lacking!

Glad you liked it - I'll add you to the list for a CD when the album comes out. I have an unreleased remix of Banner which I really want you to hear too.

thanks mate,

Pixee

14 years 3 months ago

Hi Hooded Stranger

I like it quite well. I have been there and done that. I sometimes wonder if I am not still in it. Nice write.

Thank you for your read,

Pixee

Hooded Stranger

14 years 3 months ago

Pixee

Pixee,

you only like it "quite well"...I will try harder next time so you "Really" like it!!

Lol!

Thanks for dropping in,

Pixee

14 years 3 months ago

Pixee

I really do like it. I am sorry I used the wrong word to express my thought. You don't have to improve on anything at all. You do pen wonderfully as you are. I wish I could write as well as you do. Keep on writing my friend.

Read you later,

Pixee

Hooded Stranger

14 years 3 months ago

Pixee

Pixee,

I was only joiking with you. Getting a positive comment from you is wonderful.

I believe all my work can be improved...and it normally gets changed during the recording of the words when I suddenly realise I have too many words or the syllable count is out.

I hope this one will be recorded soon because it is one of my favourites.

regards,

CCfire

14 years 3 months ago

The chorus just sticks a bit

The chorus just sticks a bit for me and I wondered if you couldn't say

'why're you angry and so out of control

seeing as it's a lyric then the apostrophe word would be ok. It's a thought only, it was the part that tripped me up the most.

Hooded Stranger

14 years 3 months ago

Chez

Chez,

the chorus works fine when sung to the tempo and music I have pre-recorded for it. It is often difficult to read lyrics and see how they fit when you don't have the music. I spoke out the chorus and when spoken it does trip slightly, but no need to worry when i add my dulcent singing tones to it, I get away with it and it works ok. Any tripping is lost in the bass and loud synths.

Thanks for sharing yoru views and hopefully it won't be long before I can share this piece as it is meant to be heard,

kind regards,

CCfire

14 years 3 months ago

I thought that might be the

I thought that might be the case but it would be remiss of me not to mention it in a crit, I will wait to hear it with the music, I am sure it will be great.

Hooded Stranger

14 years 3 months ago

Chez

Chez,

you were right to mention it as on the face of it it does trip...luckily I can hide the odd trip with music!!

Thank you my friend,

Hooded Stranger

14 years 3 months ago

Ian

Ian,

cool earphones and mike!

This piece is a bit of a contradiction - all those words when the point I was making was silence was the best form of attack!

Thanks for commenting my friend.

regards,

Hooded Stranger

14 years 3 months ago

Ian

Ian.

what on earth did you do to get him that mad?

I like the:

"in the silence there are many words spoken"

I am thinking of using that a spoken word outro to this song...what do you think?

regards,