scribbler

May 30, 2012 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

This poem is part of the challenge:

08/24 Beach Day

(Read More...)

A PROMISE MADE

We'll go back to the beach one day,
and I hope that it won't be too long,
to watch the sizzling tourists lay
while listening to some sixties song.

In the salty surf we'll splash and play
then stroll along the wide boardwalk
just as we did on our last stay
when we'd pause and quietly talk.

We'd watch shadows creep out toward the sea
when evening breezes came around
as we sat upon the balcony
taking in the gulls' sad sound.

We'll go back soon I promise you
and smell the salt on constant breeze,
just you and me and ocean's view.
We'll gather some new memories.

About This Poem

Last Few Words: I know this is pretty raw

Style/Type: Structured: Western

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: South Carolina, United States, USA

Favorite Poets: Frost, Burns, Longfellow, Poe, and Johnson. I guess you've noticed these are all past masters. Other than folks on site I don't read any contemporary poets .

This user supports Neopoet so it can be free to all

Comments

weirdelf

13 years 1 month ago

Raw? It is more soundly constructed than most of your work.

The emotional painting is clean and clear, no maudlin sentimentality.

I won't deconstruct it, but there is one rhyme where you mis-stress badly.

We'd watch shadows creep out toward the sea
when evening breezes came around
as we sat upon the balcony [sea is stressed, the stress on balcony is on bal]

Am I going soft or is this really good?

scribbler

13 years 1 month ago

ooo.....ooooo!

For once I can say the problem is definitely one of dialect. Around here balcony has stress on both 1st and last syllable. Does that make a difference? And who knows maybe this thick skull IS letting a few new things through...........stan

loved

13 years 1 month ago

I know this is pretty raw..yeah we all know all your poetry is..

initially raw , like mine as always but still.....

Some fruits eaten raw are better than fresh
your poetry is like raw mangoes
sweeter than sweet,
hard but finally soft
the breeze takes my heart away
every time I go to the sea,
I always feel so happy
with my spouse and me
at times,
I love to see other folks in bikinis
then my eyes open,
when they all smile at me
my torso is beyond imagination
round and round
some in my looks wish
I’d happiness have found
the breeze and the beach
are my signs of love
and
all else is useless
except your poetry Stan above

scribbler

13 years 1 month ago

hi loved

Thanks for dropping by. And yeah I also have a round torso .......but in the wrong places lol...........stan

loved

13 years 1 month ago

we both r

spchimens

weirdelf

13 years 1 month ago

oh dear, the burdens of talent and physique

If I wasn't a poet I would show my brilliant body to the world.

scribbler

13 years 1 month ago

lol

Sorry to disappoint you Jess but your previous avatar displayed enough bod to preclude the "brilliance" lmao. Of course it might be that my preference in looking at the gentler gender prejudices me.............stan

Ian.T

13 years 1 month ago

Stan

A grand write as the others have said now stop taunting Jess he may show his torso/bod whatever. Better the sights we are use to, my mind did a flip there as he said it was ok that he was a poet. Shall we leave it at that I know that he is in Aussie land but these pictures can be sent so quickly now, except that is when I need to change my bloody picture on my profile, can't get it to work any suggestions (Now careful)
Yours Ian.T

scribbler

13 years 1 month ago

Hi Ian

Hi Ian
Appreciate the visit and expect that Jess took the remark as being made in fun as was intended.........stan

Ian.T

13 years 1 month ago

Stan

I Jest lol Have a restful, night out there, will talk tomorrow, Yours Ian.T

lovedly

5 years 10 months ago

2012 and now tis 2019

we haven't moved an inch
the beach is still there why cinch
the only thing what's new is
the one's who lay about
though now are fairly nude

generations change
the beach as in original version
does still remain
Down Stan's memories lane

Susan is still same
but I have muchly changed
become more poetically deranged
thanks to Neo and Eumol

yes Stan and Ian
Jess has already forgotten
Lovedly's poetry has become more forgotten
thanks not as many wished sodden

scribbler

5 years 10 months ago

Hi loved.

A lot easier to dig out an oldie than to have to compose for a contest isn't it? Glad you dropped by for a visit

lovedly

5 years 10 months ago

no not at all Stan

I am used to off the cuff anything
poetry o man as far concerns neo
I poemise at the drop of your hat lol
I don't think the judge reads all poems
its so difficult to find

on other sites all are posted at one place
neo must rethink
I suggested years since