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Aug 08, 2024
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Purporting Peace
Broken walls, empty halls, danger's an owl,
burning barrels hail with devil's anger.
Bright days as well as darkness howl and howl,
bang bang, am I ever deaf to the clangor?
No river_banks to walk along, no strolls,
Ninja's powered breaths burned the vacuumed wood.
Noisy sea_gulls once were, now fear the trolls,
nothing's left where ancient histories stood.
Peace conferences, presidents and kings
playing music in fakers' ceremony.
Protocols, and propaganda things,
peace and war never live in harmony.
Barely could lilies bloom in my homeland,
for how would they, when in gut_watered sand!
About This Poem
Style/Type: Structured: Western
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
neopoet
11 months 2 weeks ago
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem "Purporting Peace" employs a strong use of alliteration, rhyme, and imagery to convey a powerful message about the devastation of war and the futility of peace talks in the face of such destruction. However, there are areas where the poem could benefit from further refinement.
Firstly, the poem's rhythm could be more consistent. The use of iambic pentameter in some lines and not in others creates a somewhat disjointed rhythm that can distract from the poem's overall message. Consistency in meter would enhance the poem's musicality and flow.
Secondly, the poem uses a lot of abstract concepts such as "danger's an owl," "Ninja's powered breaths," and "fakers' ceremony." While these phrases are intriguing, they could be made more effective with clearer imagery or explanation. As it stands, they risk confusing the reader and diluting the poem's overall impact.
Lastly, the poem's message could be made clearer. While the theme of war's destruction and the futility of peace talks is apparent, it could be more explicitly stated or explored. This could be achieved through more specific imagery, or through the use of metaphor or simile.
In conclusion, while "Purporting Peace" has a strong foundation and compelling theme, it could benefit from more consistent rhythm, clearer imagery, and a more explicit exploration of its central message.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Leslie
11 months 2 weeks ago
Rula
I understand this and I agree. When you look at humanity what do you see 8 billion mice locked in a cage with a time bomb ticking. There's no way out of here! I loved this one though dark.
Rula
11 months 2 weeks ago
Thank you Leslie
for reading and commenting.
Lavender
11 months 1 week ago
Purporting Peace
Hello, Rula,
A raw and sobering sonnet. Perfect title and the final couplet is especially heartbreaking. Very moving piece.
Thank you, Rula. I know this poem is extremely significant and meaningful.
Lx
Rula
11 months 1 week ago
Dearest Lavender
Sorry for the late reply.
Seems like we're going to the hell with this struggled in Gaza. It's like nothing I've ever seen before.
Thank you for your kind visit.
Much appreciate it.
Candlewitch
11 months 1 week ago
Dear Rula,
Barely could lilies bloom in my homeland,
for how would they, when in gut_watered sand!
I can see and smell the spilled blood...
an excellent write! thank you for this.
*hugs, Cat
Rula
11 months ago
Dearest Cat
I always appreciate your priceless visits.
Candlewitch
11 months ago
Dear Rula,
I have tried to write you a p.m. but the system will not let me. so I am going to ask a favor of you. Will you read my poem: "The Grifter a story poem" and tell me what needs to be done to it,if anything? I sure would like your opinion. Respectfully asking, *Cat