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Jul 21, 2011
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The Question Remains...
The sound of silence soothes the ear
My eyes feast upon the stars
The shell that hosts my mind is earthbound
and thoughts float among the stellar
Finding new meaning in all the mundane things
I glory in the ephiphanies of day to day discovery
Daring not to close my eyes
I might miss some new revelation
I cringe in the brightness of each axiom
and reach for the peace of complacency
Up and down the scale of emotion
I am lifted and I fall
Surrendering... then fighting
as though I can win
All the time in the world, is short
The universe creeps and time crawls
for the wanting
Yet, too soon the lights are extinquished
leaving me in the dark
About This Poem
Style/Type: Free verse
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - polished draft
Comments
lou
14 years ago
Gee
I like this one a lot. The only things I'd change is line 1 stanza 1, I'd take out the words my ears, I just think it sounds better; and in stanza 2 I'd take out of the world, for the same reason. But this may just be personal preference, they fit quite well.
Lou
Geezer
14 years ago
Thank you...
Grasshopper. I did eliminate the [ s ], from ears, I think Ian is right. I also took out the [ of the world ].
You were right about that. it is so great to have such discerning criticism from my friends. Thank you both. ~ Yoda/Gee
Geezer
14 years ago
You were right...
about taking the [ s ] away from the ears. It does sound better, and is closer to the meaning of what I intended. Thank you both, ~ Gee
weirdelf
13 years 12 months ago
Overall I like it,
although is part of that first line not Simon and Garfunkle copyrighted? (only partly joking)
Altogether too many I, my and me's. Some could easily be deleted.
Geezer
13 years 12 months ago
I think...
that it is far enough in the past, that it now falls under public domain. LOL
I agree about the I's and me's and have adjusted accordingly. What do you think now? ~ Gee
weirdelf
13 years 12 months ago
oh yes
much tighter. I like the piece a lot more.