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Rhyme Crimes

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RACE to the RED PLANET

Expedition to Mars by Ian Thomson

One bright afternoon, in the middle of June,
We set off to reach the Red Planet.
There was Gobby and Cleg (and his dog with three legs)
Wee Spider and me - I'm called "Carrots".

Our ship we named "Horse", though it wasn't, of course,
It was just an old washing machine
That some idiot dumped, underneath a tree stump,
It took ages to get it all cleaned.

Then we tied it up tight, to a brown paper kite,
That would serve as our main booster rocket.
Things were moving on well, as, apart from the smell,
The dumped stuff had saved us a packet.

It was Spider and Gobby (model planes were their hobby)
Calculated the launching position
But Cleg had to stay around South Alloway
And pretend to his mum he'd gone fishing.

For the parents we had didn't think we were bad,
But they liked to keep tabs on us boys
If they'd ever found out what our plans were about
We'd be grounded; no TV, no toys.

We were ready to launch! with the dog on its haunch
Inside the drum washer he sat.
We gave him a bone - now don't try this at home!
The wind caught the kite, knocked it flat.

I shouted for help, as the dog gave a yelp
So the four of us lifted the kite
Then upward it soared with the poor dog aboard
Having given wee Spider a bite .

Did the dog get to Mars? No. it landed on cars
In the pub car park, then hopped off home.
As the pub crowd ran out, we ran off to their shouts
Of "We'll get you! we know where you're going!"

Sprinting through the town woods, laughing loud, feeling good,
Next time Jupiter! we knew the way.
Later on, telling lies, to our parents who sighed,
While the Copper took notes - what a day!

Maybe some place in Time, in those great halls I'll find
A wild foursome with three-legged dog.
They won't recognise this old man, I'll surprise them
Producing, from pocket, a frog.

About This Poem

Last Few Words: The whole ending has been revamped and I am more satisfied with the result. Thanks to Jess

Style/Type: Structured: Western

Review Request Direction: How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Country/Region: GBR

More from this author

Comments

weirdelf

weirdelf

12 years 11 months ago

Took me back,

expeditions to the pyramids of Egypt on a pallet raft, military campaigns to rout the nefarious Undercliffe Street boys, international spies discovering the nuclear secrets of the weird old lady on the corner.

The last 3 lines bother me a lot. Especially the last line, it's like you are trying to cram too much in and miss the impact.

Tam the Chanter

Tam the Chanter

12 years 11 months ago

Poetry insight

I've read this over a few times and am deeply shocked by your remarks. Unfortunately they happen to be absolutely true and confirm my own analysis of the work. Thanks for showing me that I can't pull the wool over
an aussie bush hat - the corks get in the way! I hope you enjoyed the rest of it. Time for a revision. Thanks, Jess

Ian

S

scribbler

12 years 11 months ago

Hi Ian

What the heck is a swot? lol. This read like an episode of the old TV show "the little rascals" lol. Also reminded me of early childhood adventures in Memphis.............stan

judyanne

judyanne

12 years 11 months ago

lol

'Later on, telling lies, to our parents who sighed,
While the Copper took notes - what a day!'

laughing all the way through this ian
extremely funny and oh such memories of my own it revived

great end and internal rhyme
great rhythm
nothing to crit - i like the revisions enouraged by jess

love judy
xxx

Tam the Chanter

Tam the Chanter

12 years 11 months ago

yesterday

Thanks, Judyanne, I'm so glad the piece made you laugh. It read so much better after Jess's input.

Love
Ian xxx

Tam the Chanter

Tam the Chanter

12 years 11 months ago

yesterday

Thanks, Judyanne, I'm so glad the piece made you laugh. It read so much better after Jess's input.

Love
Ian xxx

weirdelf

weirdelf

12 years 10 months ago

Much better

and the rhyming scheme, internals and part-rhymes works spectacularly well to keep the feel of the vernacular.

weirdelf

weirdelf

12 years 10 months ago

Jeez Eph, shows how much you know or value how Neopoet works

just click on Revisions, above the title, you can see exactly what changes a poet has made to a poem in response to what suggestions. I guess you wouldn't have noticed the facility because your poems are always perfect?

Oo, that sounded a bit harsh, let's just pretend we had bad sex.

weirdelf

weirdelf

12 years 10 months ago

smootches

I'll let you come first next time.
If I'm not too busy with Neopoet, crikey, how do we even get time to write?
Don't answer that.

Tam the Chanter

Tam the Chanter

12 years 10 months ago

My Intention

Eph., good to hear from you again and many thanks for taking the time to write a crit. I have to totally disagree with you, however, as I think the last three stanzas are the best part of this write and round the whole thing off quite nicely.

Ian