alidzain

Feb 25, 2014 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

Rain

Feel the cold wind blows
as the grim clouds fill the sky
while the heavens cry

The sound of raindrops,
drumming on my old rooftop,
music to my ears

Hear the thunder's roar
completing the symphony,
a true masterpiece

An angry woman
curses the wicked weather,
the cold hurts her bones

Outside on the streets,
people running for shelter
their patience, tested

On uneven ground,
puddles of water are formed
refreshing the land...

The rain will not last
but for now I close my eyes
and enjoy its reign...

About This Poem

Style/Type: Structured: Eastern

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: singapore, SGP

Favorite Poets: Emily Dickinson, Robert Frost, Sarojini Naidu and friends in Neopoet.

Comments

scribbler

11 years 4 months ago

Hello

With a quick read I see some tense mistakes :
stanza 1, line 1 change blew to blows
stanza 1,line 2 change filled to fill
stanza 3, line 2 change completes to completing
stanza 4, line 2 change cursed to curses
last stanza , line 2 change closed to close
Changes in stanza are permitted in poetry but there needs to be some type set up for each change so that the reader doesn't get confused as to when the poem is happening.
I liked the reign-rain thing in the last stanza as well as the over all tale and word usage.........stan

alidzain

11 years 4 months ago

hi stan

here are the changes I've made for this haiku, other than those you have suggested.. stanza 3, line 2 change "completes Gaia's symphony" to "completing the symphony". stanza 4, line 2 change "cursed the merciless weather" to "curses the wicked weather". What do you think?

Alid

Life is wonderful!

Rula

11 years 4 months ago

always a pleasure to

read you Khalid. An enjoyable read and many good thoughts and lines.
I always sympthise for theose who don't have a shelter when cold winter attacks.
So it's the thought I liked best in this piece.

One thing though, knowing that you've meant this to be a series of 5-7-5 haiku, I think you need to
check S3 line1
Much enjoyed.
Thank you.

alidzain

11 years 4 months ago

Hi Rula

Thanks for pointing out the flaw. I don't know how I've missed out on that one. Anyway, I've just eraseed the first word in that stanza...

Alid

Rula

11 years 4 months ago

Sorry Khalid

seems I've misled you. I was working on my tablet. It is S4 that I wanted
"An aged woman". Stanza three's count is spot on. Sorry again.

alidzain

11 years 4 months ago

Hey, no prob

everyone makes mistakes. Silly me thinking aged as a two -syllabled word. Anyway I've changed it to "angry" instead.

Alid

Rula

11 years 4 months ago

:)

Thanks for accepting my apologies. Yes, that's what I thought. Someone though might prove me wrong.

alidzain

11 years 4 months ago

;)

no big deal. We're all friends here and, not to forget that you're my sister sharing the same faith. something has been bugging me, you know. How to listen to the audio that you've input in one of your poems?..I felt cheated 'cos I don't know how to switch the audio on. not that good with technology.

Alid

Rula

11 years 4 months ago

Just click

on the link Khalid. It should work automatically. You need to wait for seconds only.
See if it works. Otherwise, there should be something wrong somewhere with your speakers.

alidzain

11 years 4 months ago

done it, sis

I've heard you, sis. Thinking of following your footstep for "Palestine".First however, I need to make sure I can pronounce properly. By the way, just asking...in the word "palestine", how does the tine sounds? is it the same as tin or almost like time?

Alid

alidzain

11 years 4 months ago

Rula

I tried listening again to you again and found my answer. just ignore my last question, please

Alid

Rula

11 years 4 months ago

I am sorry

for being slow answering your question. Looking forward to hearing your spoken word.

raj

11 years 4 months ago

Alid

You have created a good image and resonance of rain. However unless you want to show the contrast about the good and bad side of rain, you need to be consistent with maintaining the mood. If it is contrast, you need to balance out the joy and regret to the best possible extent.

Regards,

alidzain

11 years 4 months ago

Hi Raj

not sure how to do that, raj. Can you show me?

Alid

raj

11 years 4 months ago

Alid

For clarity on my comment, let me try to explain how i perceived the moods stanza by stanza

[sad]
Feel the cold wind blows
as the grim clouds fill the sky
while the heavens cry

[joyous]
The sound of raindrops,
drumming on my old rooftop,
music to my ears

[joyous]
Hear the thunder's roar
completing the symphony,
a true masterpiece

[hurt]
An angry woman
curses the wicked weather,
the cold hurts her bones

[fact..neither joy nor sadness]
Outside on the streets,
people running for shelter
their patience, tested

[joyous]
On uneven ground,
puddles of water are formed
refreshing the land...

[joyous]
The rain will not last
but for now I close my eyes
and enjoy its reign...

even if you want to convey both sides of the coin [rain] your poem should communicate that purpose is what i meant

I hope you will now be able to understand my comment/suggestion

Rula

11 years 4 months ago

great point raj

very good indeed.