Geezer

Mar 15, 2012 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

This poem is part of the workshop:

IMAGERY IN POETRY (for everyone)

(Read More...)

Rain On A Tin Roof...

Hurtling down through the atmosphere
silver drops of H2 O
With a splat, their mass is scattered
Then in streams they join the flow

The water rushes madly
down the slanted tin
Streams that run side-by-side
in a race, not one will win

The drumming, beating raindrops
left the clouds to play
Now there's water dripping in last place
while the storm moves on it's way

Falling down the rainspout
Winding down the curb to drain
The water from the sky
is gone down the sewer-main

About This Poem

Last Few Words: I found it a challenge to keep as much of the other senses, auditory etc... out of this work as I did. Our language is such, that there are cues to each of the others in almost every thought.

Style/Type: Structured: Western

Review Request Direction: What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: New York State - USA, USA

Favorite Poets: Poe, Emily Dickenson, Robert Frost, Shakespeare, and many of the poets here at Neopoet.

This user supports Neopoet so it can be free to all

Comments

Barbara Writes

13 years 3 months ago

Auditory i do believe especially in 3rd stanza

Lots of visual and motion
love reading it

Geezer

13 years 3 months ago

Exactly right...

I tried to keep all examples of the other senses from creeping in but...
Thanks, ~ Gee

Debra Bryant

13 years 3 months ago

Good rhyming!

It is difficult to limit yourself to only one type of imagery. Reads very well...trips off of the tongue without a stammer. Loved it.
Deb

Geezer

13 years 3 months ago

Thanks...

Stan really gave me a tough one, with that kenetic stuff I kinda figured that he might. LOL How does anyone describe in terms of kenetics, rain on a tin roof? I tried.
Glad you liked it. ~ Gee

scribbler

13 years 3 months ago

lol

Well ya'll got even with me by requiring me to use olfactory in a waiting room lol. I think the kinetic came through well here but then again I knew what to look for lol. Please gather a few more comments then start thinking about whether to rewrite using same imagery or a different one...........stan

wesley snow

13 years 3 months ago

I'm guessing auditory,

but I agree its difficult to leave out the other aspects. My problem with this is that there were few "images" (so to speak) of the sound of the rain. There were straight forward terms (splat, drumming, dripping), but it seemed to be just what was necessary instead of creating an overt image in my head. Does that make any sense?
For example, stanza two has nothing in the way of auditory imagery. So, good poetry, but I don't feel I "heard" enough.
wesley

Geezer

13 years 3 months ago

You guessed wrong...

It was all supposed to be about motion. Ergo, Kenetics. Barbara was just saying in response to my comment; that I tried to keep all of the other senses from creeping in. The ones that I did let by, were auditory and visual I do see that if you thought it was Auditory, it wouldn't have much of an impact. I will write a poem that will be auditory eventually. [Not necessarily the same one ]. ~ Gee

scribbler

13 years 3 months ago

Hi Gee

Easy to see how the different types overlap isn't it?
But to me the movement displayed revealed the imagery intended............stan

Geezer

13 years 3 months ago

I had a time...

trying to think in one dimension. Very enlightning though. I love the English language, [don't know but very little Spanish]. But I think that languages must be the same the world over. The use of many words evoke different images by the context in which they are used. Great fun, this is. [As Yoda would say.] Thanks ~ Gee

wesley snow

13 years 3 months ago

Just figured out yours is kenetic.

Please disregard my previous critique. I should've known better. It moves everywhere. wesley

Geezer

13 years 3 months ago

Disregarded...

I'm sure you were thinking in too many dimensions at once. LOL I've made the same mistake. Trying to read so many works by so many poets in a short period of time, then going back to comment, can throw everything out of whack. Before you know it, you don't remember what you've read and skim it again to refresh a faulty memory. LOL I always appreciate your comments anyways, so keep them coming. [You are usually right].
~ Gee

loved

13 years 3 months ago

Just beautiful How could you miss it?

I could see Lizy Taylor
in the movie

A Cat on a Hot Tin Roof

really so very true
the rain went down the drain
we saw it as we all heard it too

China Blue

13 years 3 months ago

Gee

Auditory yes. However what if someone never heard that rain on the tin roof
yes a splat but what more can it sound like
I feel you did not go in depth enough on what it actually sounds like
I had a tin roof on my deck and there were times you could not hear yourself think if the rain was hard enough

you did mix sight inthere for a bit with the raindrops
I like the poem as a whole

wesley snow

13 years 3 months ago

Chrys,

that's an excellent description of what I've been trying to say, but never thought of. What if no one had ever heard that sound. It's like the old adage of word description. Try to describe a "horse" without saying "horse" or "animal". I agree. Geezer, your poem presumed I knew what it was talking about. That's what I've been trying to say, but failing.
wesley

Geezer

13 years 3 months ago

It was/...

supposed to be kenetic, not auditory. See below... Glad you enjoyed it anyhow. ~ Gee

scribbler

13 years 3 months ago

hello

Other types of motion that could relate to rain on a roof : explode, light or hard tapping, cascading, deafening, sheeting, plunging off, heck you probably know all these and more lol.........stan

Geezer

13 years 3 months ago

I think I get...

what you are talking about now, I will write another poem about rain on a tin roof and just to show that I know the difference, I will do it in an auditory fashion. i think that being a mostly visual and auditory species of life, describing something in purely kenetic terms so that another will recognise it is pretty hard. But, I gave a it a go. ~ Gee

scribbler

13 years 3 months ago

hi

This being a workshop I purposely assigned imagery forms which would be difficult to use in the subjects selected. Heck anybody can do auditory on rain hitting a tin roof, takes some thought to use kinetic which you did or visual which debbie did. Aren't I a skunk lol..........stan.PS in most cases I've read or written kinetic is usually used only lightly among more prevalent types...........stan

Geezer

13 years 3 months ago

Ok...

As long as you know that I know the difference, I see no need to do an auditory one on this one. I would like to do one, that someone else suggests. Maybe we could each suggest a poem for one of the others. They pick the mode and we pick the subject? Just a suggestion. ~ Gee

Candlewitch

13 years 3 months ago

Dear Sir Gee.

I got auditory and visual as well as kenetic. You had a very tough assignment but I think you did well with it.

always, Cat

Geezer

13 years 3 months ago

Thanks Cat...

I guess this only goes to prove that it's very hard to use only one mode. Thanks for the read and comment.~ Gee

scribbler

13 years 3 months ago

hello

Many of us write in predominately one type imagery. The main purpose of this shop has been to get folks( including me) to realize that the use of a full range of imagery does a better job of putting the reader exactly where the writer wants them to be. To fully describe a scene requires more than just any one type imagery and engaging all the reader's senses leads to a more complete immersion in that scene. And isn't that immersion what we aim for? You know what? we left out emotional imagery!! Oh well, there will always be another shop in which we can cover that lol.........stan

wesley snow

13 years 3 months ago

To get a little silly,

I have been mulling and came up with a load of imagery that we didn't use. None of them reasonable.
Emotional yes, but what of Telepathic? Or Magical/Spiritual? Computerized? I thought of a bunch more, but came to the conclusion that when approaching any of the unconventional one ultimately returns to our list. Perhaps by a strange road, but Vampire's feel the same way we do.
wesley

Geezer

13 years 3 months ago

I think...

you might be on to something there Wes. Let's see if we can get Stan to do another one soon! ~ Gee