raj

Feb 16, 2014 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

Rat Hole and Pigeon Home

I woke up in knots,
not knowing which way
the wind would blow.

Breath fouled
by a passing cloud,
not knowing which way to go.

A Pigeon flew
like unstuck glue,
disappearing in the cloud.

I shook my head
and looked for bread,
all I could find were crumbs.

The clock struck one
and I ran down,
like a rat amongst the crowd.

Stocks were trading
gold and silver,
bread was least on the listing.

I trudged back to my hole
the Pigeon was already home,
in mock absurdity.

About This Poem

Style/Type: Free verse

Review Request Direction: How does this theme appeal to you?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Somewhere in the world, IND

Comments

Rula

11 years 5 months ago

Hello raj

I see you've made use of the nursery rhyme in this piece. However, there is something I don't understand. Who is the speaker and who's the audience is not clear, why the word "pigeon" is capitalized? May be some quotations would help.
Any clues to help.

raj

11 years 5 months ago

Hi Rula

This is not familiar territory for me. It is an attempt to profile the life of an average human being going through all uncertainties of a working day and comparing it with a bird (Pigeon) who has relatively less uncertainties while going through the daily motions and returning home satisfied. I don't know for sure if I have been even remotely successful in bringing this out ...

Thanks for the read and your comment.

Regards,

Rula

11 years 5 months ago

Then

may be simply another title would do the job. What do you think?

raj

11 years 5 months ago

Hi Rula

You are right about changing the title. After my explanation, does this poem communicate what I have attempted to do? What do you think? Please feel free to comment

Regards,

Rula

11 years 5 months ago

Yes,

It makes much sense. The last stanza needs a tweak too, unless the pigeon is a symbole of something I can't get. May be you want the pigeon a symbole of the rich and the rat to symbolize the poor.

raj

11 years 5 months ago

Rula

I have tried to use Pigeon symbolic for bird and humans as running a rat race, which relates to the absurdity of a human being with much more advanced brain and intelligence as compared to a a bird and yet the day of an average human being is spent in running the rat race hard and yet having nothing to show at the end of a grueling day whereas the bird (pigeon) is already home and seems to mock at the humans as if to say "I am better off than you" :)

Going on the commonly used term is "Pigeon Hole" and the human equivalent a "Home" which is symbolic of comfort/ therefore in the context of the theme I have swapped the hole with home in the title Pigeon Home and Rat Hole

Regards, .

wesley snow

11 years 5 months ago

I liked the poem.

I'll comment on its structure. The first stanza does not match the rhythm of the rest of the poem. Your tone is wonderfully set throughout, but the first of it needs to get in line. Particularly since that is where we need to "set" the tone. Also, I agree with Rula that the last stanza (actually just the last line) is weak. Use a few more words to make your point about "life being a mock absurdity".
The whimsy is delightful. A little depressing, but...

raj

11 years 5 months ago

Hi Wesley

Thank you for the time, the read and pinpointed suggestions. Good to know you generally liked the poem. I will actively consider and work on your suggestions which are valid. It is a pleasure when the learned ones like you stop by and comment.

Regards,

alidzain

11 years 5 months ago

like the theme

just a suggestion.Why don't you put the phrase" i am better than you" inside the poem to emphasize the feeling of being mocked by the pigeon? just a thought .

Alid

Roscoe Lane

11 years 5 months ago

I think,

I think it's perfect, as even the Pigeons shit on us from above. Regards Roscoe...

Seren

11 years 5 months ago

Raj

I checked the revisions tab on this one as I have noticed that your doing much more editing work on your poetry, so I wanted to see what you had done I agreed with Wesley's advice and your subsequent change, I really liked this one it felt like a real stretch from your normal writes

I see the workshops really done you the world of good as it did me :)

much love and hugs JC xxx

raj

11 years 5 months ago

Dearest Jayne

Thanks for the read and your comment. Yes, the workshop has opened my mind for sure in terms of certain aspects of writing poetry, thanks to suggestions from the likes of you and of course Wesley who plays the role of a Tutor so admirably.

As for this write, it is a deviation from from my comfort zone which I have attempted to bring more versatility, though there is still so much more for me to learn and achieve. In fact I have had limited time to tweak it up which I shall be doing soon.

much love and hugs..