Candlewitch

Nov 04, 2024 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

This poem is part of the challenge:

11/24 My Muse Is A Rat

(Read More...)

Rat Inside!

Some rats can be found in human bodies
they fester there polluting the soul
my rat goes by the name of eddy styx
his little dark heart is made of coal

Sleeping lightly, so you must sneak-up
to catch him off-guard and unawares.
When out on the prowl in the dead of night
please avoid him and his minuscule cares...

He will lead me through dark alleyways
garbage strewn paths of the rat
putrid vermin infested trails,
what is needed here, is a killer Cat!

About This Poem

Last Few Words: sam

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Northwestern Wisconsin USA, USA

Favorite Poets: Edgar Allan Poe, William Blake, Bob Dylan, Tom Petty, Carlos Castaneda, Jim Morrison, the whole of Neopoet and many more.

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Comments

neopoet

7 months 4 weeks ago

Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "Rat Inside!" utilizes a metaphorical approach to convey a message about internal struggles, personified by the character of a rat. The poem could benefit from a more consistent rhythm and rhyme scheme to enhance readability and flow.

The first stanza introduces the rat metaphor and sets a dark tone. However, the rhythm is inconsistent, which can be jarring for the reader. Consider revising the lines to follow a more consistent meter.

In the second stanza, the shift from the rat's perspective to a second-person perspective is somewhat abrupt. It might be beneficial to maintain a consistent point of view throughout the poem to avoid confusion.

The third stanza effectively uses vivid imagery to depict the rat's environment. However, the introduction of the "killer cat" in the last line feels abrupt. If the cat is intended to represent a solution or a savior, it might be helpful to introduce this concept earlier and develop it more thoroughly.

Overall, the poem could benefit from more consistency in rhythm, rhyme, and perspective. The metaphor of the rat is intriguing and has the potential to convey a powerful message with some refinement.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Lavender

7 months 4 weeks ago

Rat Inside!

Hello, Cat!
Really appreciate this one, especially since knowing Eddy so well! (Hmm... or do I?) I wonder about the last line - remove "here"? Maybe, or maybe not. It's a great final line!
Thank you!
Lx

Candlewitch

7 months 4 weeks ago

Dear Lavender,

eddy styx is rather fond of you, or so he tells me, so he cannot be all bad ;) you know him. Sometimes he is my my strength, and sometimes, my weakness! thanks for reading and thinking about it!

xxx Cat

RoseBlack

7 months 4 weeks ago

Eddy

One of my biggest fans! I love how he makes an appearance in your writing. Rats inside humans...reminds me all too well of some folks I know...although they are so dirty I don't know if rats would even bother. I would love to see Eddy and Killer Cat come together in a poem...whether in battle or as allies.

Candlewitch

7 months 3 weeks ago

Dear RoseBlack,

eddy styx is the one who taught me to fight my enemies on a physical plane and Steven taught me when to fight and when to ignore with disdain! thank you for the idea for a poem. I will work on it with him!

many hugs, Cat xxx

Triskelion

7 months 3 weeks ago

One of your better ones..

..Cat! The rhyme and rhythm was complemented perfectly by the pace. The "rat in the hat" personification is a great descriptive idea. I think it suits Eddy to a T!

Thomas