Reading the Room (again)

Her blue and walk-away eyes
should have made It clear
she was already gone.

It took me a while to get here;
to get you to fade away.
It was just that my timing was bad.

About This Poem

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?

Review Request Intensity: I appreciate moderate constructive criticism

Editing Stage: Editing - polished draft

About the Author

Region, Country: San Francisco Bay Area - USA, USA

Favorite Poets: Bukowski, Billy Collins, Ted Kooser, Haiku & Harvey Kurtzman (a visual poet, of sorts)

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Comments

neopoet

7 months 2 weeks ago

Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "Reading the Room (again)" demonstrates a clear understanding of the use of imagery and metaphor, particularly in the first three lines. The phrase "blue and walk-away eyes" is a compelling way to convey the emotional distance of the subject of the poem.

However, the transition between the first and second stanzas could be smoother. The shift from third person to first person is slightly jarring and may confuse readers. It might be beneficial to maintain a consistent point of view throughout the poem.

The last line, "It was just that my timing was bad", is a bit vague. While ambiguity can be effective in poetry, it might be helpful to provide a bit more context or detail here to strengthen the emotional impact of the poem.

Lastly, the title "Reading the Room (again)" doesn't quite connect with the content of the poem. It might be worth considering a title that more directly relates to the themes of emotional distance and timing.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Lavender

7 months 1 week ago

Reading the Room

Hello, Michael,
How did I miss the original back in January? (sorry...) I do like both versions, probably this one a bit more. However, the word "indifference" in the original is so significant.
Love the title. How blind we can sometimes be.
Thank you!
L

Michael Anthony

7 months 1 week ago

Thanks L! I struggled with

Thanks L! I struggled with whether or not to include "indifference" in this revised piece, but finally decided that it needed to be a victim of brevity, which is often my poetry MO. Always appreciate you comments!

Cheers