Earn A Poem Workshop 1

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This poem is part of the contest:

Neopoet Weekly 05/25/25 to 05/31/25

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Recalling Last Call...

His fingers danced with the keys,
so hard, his breath, it blew.
The wind brought out the music,
and memories of you.

Each and every song he played,
took me farther back.
The saxophone breathed low,
put me in the sack.

We traveled down to New Orleans,
around the countryside,
Texas prairie, Arizona,
sure had a hell of a ride.

We fought and loved the way they say,
in the movies that you see.
Always making up for something,
that was you and me.

I would love one more dance,
to feel your arm in mine,
to have your hand on my back,
your fingers on my spine.

I hope that you are out there,
still roaming in the night.
In love with someone like you,
that will give you back a fight.

But in case you want to,
my number's still the same.
Just call me anytime honey,
if you recall my name.

About This Poem

Style/Type: Structured: Western

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - draft

About the Author

Region, Country: New York State - USA, USA

Favorite Poets: Poe, Emily Dickenson, Robert Frost, Shakespeare, and many of the poets here at Neopoet.

This user supports Neopoet so it can be free to all

Comments

neopoet

4 weeks 1 day ago

Neopoet AI (Premium) - version 3.0

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem effectively uses imagery and sensory details, particularly in the opening stanza, where the description of fingers dancing on keys and the wind bringing out music creates a vivid scene. However, there are areas that could benefit from further development and refinement.

First, consider clarifying the emotional tone and depth. The poem moves quickly through different emotional states—nostalgia, passion, conflict, longing—without fully exploring any one of them. Slowing down to linger on specific memories or emotions could strengthen the reader's connection to the speaker's experience.

Second, the rhyme scheme and rhythm are somewhat inconsistent. For example, the stanza beginning "We traveled down to New Orleans..." lists places without fully integrating them into the emotional narrative. Consider revising this stanza to more clearly connect the locations to specific emotional or narrative significance.

Third, the phrase "put me in the sack" feels abrupt and somewhat out of place with the overall nostalgic and reflective tone of the poem. Consider rephrasing this line to better match the tone and imagery established earlier.

Lastly, the ending stanza provides a clear emotional resolution, but the phrase "if you recall my name" feels somewhat casual and weakens the emotional impact. Consider revising this line to more effectively underscore the emotional stakes or sense of longing established earlier.

Overall, the poem has potential, but further attention to emotional depth, consistency of tone, and clarity of imagery would significantly enhance its impact.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Ruby Lord

4 weeks ago

I like this. It sounds like

I like this. It sounds like someone remembering love, mistakes, and music. The journey you take the reader on feels honest, lived, and loved. Good job, Ruby xx