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Sep 09, 2022
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RED ROSE
There's no more craze of love,
my heart ticks in displeasure,
for this thorns called red rose,
it pierced every part of my being.
My soul is indignantly wounded,
punctured and I'm now a danger,
dripping in angst of romance,
i may likely suck your blood.
Take these roses away from me,
It's disheartening, am set to kill.
love, a chief blackmailer,
in your excess sensuality.
You jilted me in your mind, and
kept confessing you loved me.
you're simply, a tale of woe! I
rather be a monk than to love you.
©®Onyinyechi Cosmos Etu
About This Poem
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
[This option has been removed]
Review Request Intensity: I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
Lavender
2 years 10 months ago
RED ROSE
Hi, Jack,
I absolutely feel the pain here. Strong, clear language. You certainly give a red rose a completely different image. Your final line has a snap to it that delivers a direct message, and a bit of humor.
Thank you!
L
Jackweb
2 years 10 months ago
Oh, wow!
I do appreciate your kind words. Thank you for stopping by.
.
Triskelion
2 years 10 months ago
Hi Cosmos
"for these thorns called red rose"
"for this; thorns called red rose"
"for this thorn called red rose"
and more variations. Of course, that is only if you are attempting proper English grammar. Sometimes, it's hard to tell with poetry because of the acceptance of lack of thereof. Personally, I get the point you are making regardless and find some charm in your language use.
S1,L4 "pieced" (sp)
S3,L1 "this" should be "these"
S3,L2 "I am >a< black bullet...."
S3,L3 "black mailer" could be blackmailer.
Other punctuation corrections needed, perhaps another writer will chime in.
Of course!
Thomas
Jackweb
2 years 10 months ago
Wonderful
Trisk... nice meeting you again! It's been awhile. I was impressed reading your critique. Thanks for so much for the eagle eye. I never noticed these mistakes. I thing I will definitely edit and change them. I do appreciate your time and reading through.
Please throw more light on what you meant here:
S1,L4 "pieced" (sp)
Thanks!
.
Triskelion
2 years 10 months ago
(Sp)
= spelling. Should be pierced (I think)
...never mind. You got it. Cheers!
Jackweb
2 years 10 months ago
You deserve praise
Thank you soooo much Trisk.. You really helped.
.
Triskelion
2 years 10 months ago
If it pleases you..
S1,L4 reads "it pierced me on every part of me"
You can write it "it pierced every part of my being"...could use other words, like "soul" or whatever suits your mood, but again, some of the linguistic charm may be lost.
Thomas
Jackweb
2 years 10 months ago
Alright
I will. Thanks a bunch!
.