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Jul 26, 2024
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Refocus
When you feel you're going crazy,
And the world is really bad.
Hearing the words " you are mental",
Leaves you feeling very sad.
On days when everything's a struggle,
And nothing goes your way.
If only there was a reverse button,
To take these woes away.
When future looks so grim for many,
I feel Ike I can't moan.
And in a world of greed aplenty,
I know I am not alone.
At times when sorrow sees me question,
The meaning of it all.
I turn my eyes, and ears ,instead,
Towards my master"s righteous call.
About This Poem
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
neopoet
11 months 2 weeks ago
Neopoet AI 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem "Refocus" effectively conveys a sense of inner turmoil and the desire for solace in the face of external challenges. The use of rhyme and rhythm creates a cohesive flow throughout the poem. However, there are some areas where the poem could be strengthened.
Consider revisiting the structure to ensure consistency in meter and rhyme scheme. Some lines feel slightly forced in order to maintain the rhyme, which can disrupt the natural flow of the poem. Additionally, the use of punctuation could be refined to enhance clarity and impact.
Furthermore, the imagery and metaphors used in the poem could be more vivid and evocative to deepen the emotional impact on the reader. By incorporating more sensory details and specific language, you can create a more immersive experience for the audience.
Overall, "Refocus" has a strong emotional core and thematic depth. With some revisions to enhance the technical aspects and enrich the imagery, the poem has the potential to resonate more powerfully with readers.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Geezer
11 months 2 weeks ago
Hi Tigger...
Yeah, the world can be a bugger place.
I think you have gotten a good start to writing a great piece.
You can smooth this one out with just a few thoughts about streamlining a couple of lines.
I think you would do better to use the word [And] instead of Yet.
Hear the words that "You are mental"
It leaves you feeling sad.
On days everything's a struggle
and nothing goes your way
If there was a button for reverse
to take these woes away.
There's grim future for so many
I feel like I can't moan
Yet, in a world of greed aplenty
I know I'm not alone
At times when sorrow sees me question
The meaning of it all,
I turn my eyes and ears instead,
towards my master's call.
As always, you can use whatever you like from my comments and critique
or just dump it all. ~ Geez.
.
Tigger Kaz
11 months 2 weeks ago
Thanks
Your feedback is much appreciated
Leslie
8 months 3 weeks ago
Refocus!
I often experience a paradigm shift or a refocus. The darkness comes and then it goes leaving me with a feeling of peace! I know He still call out to me and tells me thay He loves and cares for me. A beautiful one indeed!