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Nov 17, 2014
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Retro pining boxes
When I was a younger man
I wanted to break all of the rules.
When I was a younger fool
I broke all of the rules
that didn't need to be broken.
Now here I sit
a younger man's old fool
while death waits around the corner
like a long lost brother.
About This Poem
Style/Type: Free verse
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
Ian.T
10 years 8 months ago
8men
Death row must be a long wait, a good short write on things gone so wrong,
Yours Ian
eightmenout
10 years 8 months ago
Ian
Thank you, sir for taking the time to read and comment. Appreciate the compliment.
Lonnie
10 years 8 months ago
Terse, but terrific!
I love the theme here, and the slam-dunk way it is delivered adds some real zing to the piece. The flow is consistent enough to make the poem readable, and the word usage blows me away!
eightmenout
10 years 8 months ago
Lonnie
Glad you were able to stop by and have a read and honored you would leave such kind words.
Thanks
scribbler
10 years 8 months ago
Hello
I enjoyed the way this circled back in time from considering others a fool to realizing who the fool really is. One of your better ones.........stan
eightmenout
10 years 8 months ago
Thank you sir
Thank you sir
Esker
10 years 8 months ago
Five Eyes..
five "I's"
who
when
where
why
what
I am who
I am when
I am where
I am why
I am what
the order may be disarranged
here...
the poem is strong
like an interesting hand
and I delve its simplicity
and complexity
evolving the words...
verbs...nouns
swirling still
a challenge to offer
a critique for the
smooth vesper of work
an offering
which can be swept aside
at the whim
of reader....
ten days i sat
and if i dont behave
in One Hundred and Ninety
shall suffer the wrath
more thrice and then some
subterfuge of the depths
"I was a younger man
when I wanted all the
broken rules
I was an older fool
dedicated to the rules
Sit now
I'm near!
My brother Death
around a curve
a breath I didnt
need to hear.."
Hey Scott reworked this one all
about!!
We had shakespeare...
I mean grade thirteen had his records
from stratford
and we in grade nine stoner level had
him onward..
I got thrust into the bottom
due to math issue
ADD
whatnot
where I belonged anyway
teetering on the edge of
its own made madness
five points is a star
symbology important to me
anyway......working this poem
just my suggestions
something completely different
though eh?
Thank You!
eightmenout
10 years 8 months ago
Steve
Art is open to interpretation. I invite everyone to mold it as they may. I enjoyed your changes for they offer me a different view of my own scenery.
Thanks