An Exploration of Style, Subject, and Critique

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A Retrospective in Clay: Prologue

I remember that trip,
with the scooters,
and the soft laughter of the afternoon
as we explored a village
tucked into the memories
of a thousand years.

As the light crept through the plaza,
we stopped for coffee
and you spotted the shop.

It was a storefront,
older than my dreams of you,
and we walked over
to spend an hour
touching the history of lives
entwined with our hope,
and you picked up the bowl
and fell in love.

It followed us for years,
a reminder when we argued,
a touchstone when we were sad,
a joy of our days together,
and a story of our love.

And now,
it collects my tears,
my memories of our last kiss,
and the dream of being with you again.

About This Poem

Style/Type: Free verse

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Jacksonville area, FL, USA, USA

Favorite Poets: Keats, Kipling, Carroll, Yeats, Tolkien, Shakespeare

Comments

Rula

10 years 1 month ago

A supurb piece

and exemplary for using such a subject like a "bowl", so ordinary yet you brought life to it. I like the title as it shows indirectly the source of the subject you're talking about, but I thought it is a bit helpless to the reader until he/she finishes reading the whole piece.

You also gave the reader a space to see what you're talking about (descriptive). Perhaps you could have extended this a bit more to evoke the reader's other senses as for example the smell of the brewed coffee or the fragrence of some flowers...

All in all, a very enjoyable read and as I said exemplary in many levels.
Thank you for sharing.

judyanne

10 years 1 month ago

ditto what Rula said

except re any expansion
Imo it would be spoilt with too much descriptive... less is better in this case - it somehow makes the memories more intangible, and thus the loss is felt more strongly

'as we explored a village
tucked into the memories
of a thousand years'
- Do you think maybe ''seeped in memories' or 'permeated with memories', might work better?

I like the way you speak of time
'older than my memories of you'
(although, can I point out that you have used the word ''memories three times)

a lovely write Jonathon
love judy
xxx