raj

May 19, 2016 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

This poem is part of the workshop:

Abstract words and abstract poetry

(Read More...)

Rewind Mode

I trudge along the corridor
yet again,
a deserted, fractured space
its pillars crumbling
almost grumbling
by intrusion of steps I tread
creaking in the silence
where once birds chirped
now only a lone shadow walks
on the walls
upon which were painted murals
of alpha, beta, erotica
now covered in the soot
of flickering flames defying wind
embers turned to ashes
and in the ashes i smell gasoline

I turn around to find
the crumbling pillars grumbling
and the magnificent edifice collapse
in a blistered heap

after the dust settled down
i trace with shaking fingers
lyrics of our duets
listening to their echoes
in the labyrinths,
playing in monotone
rewind mode

About This Poem

Last Few Words: My attempt at abstract

Style/Type: Free verse

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Somewhere in the world, IND

Comments

jane210660

9 years 1 month ago

Wow, this is so evocative, I

Wow, this is so evocative, I can hear the eerie footsteps and feel the decay. Amazing, I love it. Jx

raj

9 years 1 month ago

Hi Jane

thanks for your visit ...nice to know you found it evocative, hear the footsteps and the decay...which was the intent..

Hope you are having a good outing...

Regards,

Keith Logan

9 years 1 month ago

Good poem

but I fail to see what's abstract about it other than possibly the corridor mentioned in line one.

raj

9 years 1 month ago

Thank you Keith for taking

Thank you Keith for taking the time to read and comment. You are right about the "corridor" ...

Regards,

judyanne

9 years 1 month ago

hi Raj

Is the corridor your mind? Or am I reading this all wrong?

No matter, I love the imagery
and the last stanza especially

Nothing to offer for improvement

As for abstract.... I'm not qualified to say - I'm afraid, no matter how many definitions I read, I still don't totally grasp the concept

Love judy
xxx

raj

9 years 1 month ago

Hi Judyanne

You are spot on about the corridor being the mind which was the intent and rest of the stuff about recall of events hence I chose the title "rewind mode"
...good to know my attempt was not bad...

Much love n hugs...

scribbler

9 years 1 month ago

Hi

"collapse"? maybe this should be collapsed or collapsing.I think this is a good abstract of the way memories are ephemeral and how they slowly crumble and change over time as they are replayed over and over...........stan

raj

9 years 1 month ago

Thank you Stan for taking

Thank you Stan for taking time to read and comment. You are spot on in decoding some of the abstract portions...this confirms that my attempt was on track...i will think about the change proposed by you...thanks for the same..

Regards...

mand

9 years 1 month ago

Wow!

Very imaginative description of memory loss - you manage to tap into that downward spiral the mind falls into. ( My husband used to have a top notch memory - says that his short term memory is next to nothing now - but he remembers vividly past events ).

Well done - clever abstract poem

Suggestion: It depends whether you want people to get the gist of the poem's content straight away or whether you want them to work it out for themselves ( which maybe more fun ) - but perhaps a stronger hint in the title as to its intended meaning. Something like "Re-Mind Mode" or the like. I'm probably way off the mark with this suggestion - it's only a thought, to be ignored, with contempt if so desired. Lol xxx :)

Love to you Raj

Mand xxx

raj

9 years 1 month ago

Thanks Mand...good to see you

Thanks Mand...good to see you...appreciate your perceptions and suggestions...your suggestion about title is good but then it would be a give away...which is why I kept it as Rewind Mode...so as to not let the title give away too much idea...you know what i mean?...Thanks again for the Wow which is like tonic :)

mand

9 years 1 month ago

Thought that might be the case! :)

Definitely deserves a Wow! 10 out of 10 from me!

LOve to you Raj xx good to read your work again. :)

Mand xxx

raj

9 years 1 month ago

Thanks again Mand for your

Thanks again Mand for your kind words..

Much love and hugs..

lovedly

9 years 1 month ago

wow

every one is saying so
i must also be a sheep
as says a poet
common frnd urs and mine
raj sub in the lime
you are superfine
in mind
I ain't ur kind have a naughty not so dumb but sexy mind
s - b i n -d lime

lovedly

9 years 1 month ago

wow

raj

9 years 1 month ago

Thanks Lovedly for the read

Thanks Lovedly for the read and your kind words...

Regards,

Rula

9 years 1 month ago

hello raj

I can get the feeling of abandonment coming across. however is it abstract I am not sure. I'm still unable to write mine as I am confused myself in addition to having some rough time where my husband is going through a minor surgery.
I just wanted you to know I've been here.
Thanks for sharing. At least a good piece with powerful imagery.

raj

9 years 1 month ago

Thanks Rula for your time,

Thanks Rula for your time, read and comment, in spite of your being a little anxious...all will be fine

Regards,

jane210660

9 years 1 month ago

Going to be honest, I didn't

Going to be honest, I didn't really see the deeper implications at first, I wasn't looking for them. But having read Mand's comments, I now see clearly. And double wow. To me, it's a very clever abstract poem, which is probably why I didn't 'get it' in the first place.
So glad I came back for a second viewing. Jxx

raj

9 years 1 month ago

Thank you Jane for taking

Thank you Jane for taking time to visit again, read again and for your double wow which is the first double wow :) will act like tonic...

Regards,